Sticks and Glue, A Duct-taped Life

Everything Falls - Fee

You said
you'd never leave or forsake me
when you said,
this life is gonna shake me
and you said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this I know

Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

when I see
darkness all around me
when I see
that tragedy has found me
I still believe
your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know

Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on


Bridge:
Sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun
(it’s rising with the sun)
and there will be storms in this life
but I know you have overcome
You have overcome
 
Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on

Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

This is legitimately my new favorite song, along with Oxygen by Building 429 and You Love Me Anyways by Sidewalk Prophets. It's been playing in my head all week, reminding me of truths I frequently fail to see. 

We sang this song a few days ago at Cru. As I sang along to the "when everything falls apart/your arms hold me together" part, I felt this deep sense of longing - longing to be held together by something other than myself. Longing to be okay with things falling apart because I had Jesus standing behind me to hold onto the pieces when my hands couldn't grasp them. Longing to not feel like the weight of everything being okay was on my shoulders. 

And I had a bit of an epiphany then.

See, I trust God, I really do. I trust that He will provide for my needs, plan my future, lead me and guide me and be there for me at every twist and turn of the narrow road. I mean I have my points of doubt, questioning, and struggle, but overall I have been blessed to trust God with my life. 

But I'm still resting in my own strength a lot. I've gotten into this mindset where I feel like I can't ever be sad, where nothing can ever go wrong, where if I have doubts, questions, or begin to struggle, I have to fix it myself. I seem to have convinced myself that if I'm going through a rough patch, it means I'm not trusting God the way I should be, it means I'm not resting in Him, and it means I have to fix it before I can talk to people about God again, before I can live my life, before I can even fully go to Him. I'm afraid to admit that it's been a bad day/week/month. I'm afraid to admit to a struggle - unless I've already figured it out, sought out the root of the problem, and at least started the process of working to fix it, or allowing God to fix it. 

Whenever people ask me how I'm doing, I feel obligated to always be doing well, to be happy, to be relying on God, for everything to be fine and dandy. If I say anything less, I'm not living for Jesus, I'm not fully committed, I'm failing Him and I can't do that. 

So I don't let myself have "bad days." Or at least, I try not to. But the moment it's "not allowed" - it becomes all the more problematic. I find myself in a state of battle and frustration with myself. I'm angry with myself for struggling or being down, feeling frustrated, like I'm failing God and not allowing Him to be my everything. 

And most of the time, He is! I love Jesus more than anything. I want to live for Him, I am passionate about learning to be like Him, my heart beats for Jesus and my soul longs to know Him better. But I'm a human. I am so sinful, so broken, and so imperfect. And the result of that is I will mess up. I will fail. I will have bad days, questions, doubts, struggles, and I will have many times of not relying fully on God. And that's okay. Because sometimes everything does fall apart. Sometimes life just sucks. If someone dies, I can be sad about that. If a friend leaves, I can cry. If my heart gets broken, I'm allowed to feel that pain. If I'm just overwhelmed with school or finances, it's okay, because those can be hard things. 

What's important isn't the falling apart bit, it's the being held together line. It is okay for things to fall apart, but what's essential is that I rely on Jesus, give Him the broken pieces of my heart, my life, my soul, and let Him hold them together. I can't hold it together myself. I can duct tape, super-glue, sew, and splint my broken life back together a thousand times and it will never stay put. Only Jesus can be the glue that holds me together, whether I'm happy or sad, broken or whole, scared or overjoyed, He is everything, and that truth is all that matters.