So I was just sitting on my bed (I now have two, since my roommate moved out, quite exciting) scrolling through Tumblr (if you want to follow me, my Tubmlr page is: http://theworldandbeautyandstuffs.tumblr.com/ and it's pretty sweet). And I randomly started singing. Nothing in particular, not even a real song. I'm not even sure why I was singing the words I was singing. Maybe a mashup of a bunch of songs, who knows? So I was randomly singing, and then wondering why I was singing in the first place. I don't really do that a lot. I mean I sing songs that I know that are stuck in my head, and I love rolling the windows down, blasting a car, and singing to a favorite CD. But then I remembered that I used to sing all the time. It was like something had just snapped into place. Like something or someone I used to be was finally back.
Maybe it has taken me this long to be totally myself again, or even know who that is. Maybe not, maybe i was just randomly singing and it is nothing. But in the past few days I've felt pretty free. I've been super stressed with school recently, finals and all. Today I finished my last paper, and I only have two tests left for next Tuesday. The weather is spectacular and I've gotten so much closer to people recently. This past month people that I was just friends with have become true friends, people I consider close friends. That is so special and wonderful. Knowing that I have people who are there for me and love me for who I am, marvelous.
As I've said before, I can be a super self-conscious, insecure individual. And in the past few years I haven't had many friends. I've lost a lot of friends. I've had a lot of people who I just thought were my friends. That does nothing for someone's already-low self-esteem. That has been a struggle in this first year of college. Sometimes it felt like I only had one or two friends, and in the grand scheme of things that isn't very many. If I was already having a bad day then thoughts like that had a snowball effect. I would end up wondering what was wrong with me, why no one liked me, why so many people have stopped caring about me, and what I needed to do to change so I became more personable and likeable. Not the happiest of times or thoughts. And I do wonder those things from time to time. When I look at my friends of the past, many of them are no longer friends. Most of them I can't pinpoint a reason for our falling out of friendship, they just left, decided I wasn't cool anymore, or started spending all their time with a significant other and no longer wanted or needed my friendship.
But I'm choosing not to dwell on those things. Those are friendships of the past. Instead of being bitter, it's better to move on. I'll remember the times I had and memories I shared with those people with smiles. They were good times, even if they are over now, they were still good. And now I have people here. I have wonderful, loving, fun, beautiful friends. And they're truly my friends. They love me for me. Sometimes I worry or wonder how long they will be around. I fear to put too much into the friendship because if it ends, it hurts all the more. But I think it's better just to live in the here and now. At this point in time, we are dear friends, and so I won't worry about tomorrow, next week, or year. This is the time to be, this is the time to live, and this is the time to sing.