Monday, February 28, 2011


It's been too long, dear blogging world. Sorry! I've been busy, and blah, and don't really have a ton to say. Regardless, I figured I should post something on here, even if it was uber lame.

I was super sick a few weeks back, which started the blogging break. After about eight days of illness, I finally went to the doctor. They did some tests, took some x-rays, and I even got hooked up to an IV because I was dehydrated. Eventually they figured out I had pneumonia. That wasn't fun. But after a super expensive medication, lots of sleep, and water, I'm better!

Last Sunday at church was great. I'm about to leave work now, though, so I'll write about Daniel's teaching/discussion and the sermon later. They were good!

Have a lovely day, whoever reads this :)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Playing Fools

I'm just the fool
Who got played

Standing there, dancing
In the rain

Trust and hope,
Maybe even, love

The worst crime I commited, was,
Caring too much

Did I read
The cards wrong?

Alone now, but once
With you

But I'm just the fool
Who got played

Standing alone, crying
In the rain

Friday, February 4, 2011

Shape Up

I'm writing an essay on Skecher Shape-up shoes. Worst thing ever, I assure you. Needless to say, I didn't pick the assignment myself! When I said "shoes" I was hoping for something TOMS or Converse. It's a little hard to write it, I'm not really sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and writers' block is battering itself into my head repeatedly. Maybe once brain damage occurs I'll actually be able to complete the assignment. We shall see, we shall see...

I took a much-needed break about an hour ago. Venturing into the cold, I dashed over to the law school to grab something to eat from their c-store. They had hummus and veggies! Made my day much, much better. I was expecting my usual fruit or salad, which I like, don't get me wrong, but hummus is just lovely! Add in some nice green tea and the meal is perfect :) 

It's snowing outside. The snowflakes are all perfect and soft, drifting down in these flawlessly beautiful drops of white moisture. This is the kind of snow I love. It's not too cold outside, and compared to the recent -11 degree weather, 35 degrees feels downright warm! The wind here can be intense, but right now it's barely present...a mere breeze. The ground is white and the snow just wafts down, sticking to hair and eyelashes, brushing against face and hands, and spotting black jackets like little specks of paint flicked onto a canvass. It's lovely, peaceful, and absolutely wonderful. After a few minutes it gets cold and I want to go inside, but for those first few minutes it really does seem magical. 

As I was walking along the red brick path, the white snow starkly contrasted against my black moccasin boots, I realized how happy I felt. Not like scream my joy at the top of my lungs ecstatic, but happy. Maybe content would be a better word. I felt at peace with God and the world. But this realization also reminded me of all the things I need to work on. I need shape up shoes for my soul. I feel so much better with God. Like He's getting me back on track, dragging me in and reminding me of what is important. It's so, so hard though! There are so many thousands of moments when I fail and give into my sinful desires and just want to be a bitchy individual. Mostly I can just complain a lot, or be angry, or mean, or resentful, or bitch about people I'm upset with. It's something I'm praying for healing with. Part of the problem, I've come to realize, is that on the one hand, I want to change...but on the other hand, I kinda don't want to. The really bad part of me just wants to keep on sinning, and then pray for forgiveness and change, but not really change. Maybe outwardly, but not on the inside. It can't just be about the outward appearance. I could put all my effort into looking like a perfect, godly, loving, kind person...but if my heart isn't in it, I won't be legitimately making a difference in the world. If my goal is to love and serve people with all I have, then my all has to be in it. I've got to keep handing everything to God, even the dark corners of my heart where I store my sin and the shallow pleasure I gain from it. I have to change, really truly change, not just add another layer of paint and hope it covers up the damage for now. Walls have to be torn down and rebuilt, my house cannot stand on the unsteady foundations of bitterness and resentment and anger. Mostly, I need to work on forgiveness. Real, true forgiveness. I store things people have done to hurt me up in a jar labeled "Pain" in my heart. I open it up, dig through it, remind myself of the past, and stay hurt. The solution is to take that jar in my hands, hold it out to God, and ask Him to take it. I keep hiding it away, forgetting about it until a new hurt comes along that reminds me of all those pains. It is time to give it up, forgive. Not necessarily forget, because we learn from the past, but move on. You can never get anywhere in the future if you dwell constantly in the past. And I have to be stronger. I can't let people just hurt me, I have to remember that there's someone else in control, that someone else is watching out for me. Sometimes, you gotta just let things go, let em hit you in the gut and then fall away. There's a bruise, but nothing more. Sometimes there are gashes and tears that result in scars. But a scar means you're just serves as a reminder. So I'm trying. I'm trying to give it all up, hand over my jar of pain, my heart, and my life. And with God's help, I can grow and change, love and serve, and eventually (hopefully) shape up and have a beautiful heart. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Green Trees

So I'm waiting for my German Culture class to start and figured I'd blog for a bit. I have about five minutes, so this prolly won't be very long! It's super, duper, uber cold here. Yes, all those adjectives are absolutely, 100% necessary. We didn't have school Tuesday it was so cold! That neverrrrr happens here apparently. But there was a frostbite warning out and I spent a lovely day on my floor, mostly in my room. I watched X-Men...I know, I'm a nerd, but I actually enjoy those movies a lot! And we had a random yoga/Bollywood/dance party in our lounge. Everyone thinks we're crazy now, but who cares! It was lovely :)
Last week was really hard. The past quarter has been really hard. I've been struggling a lot with loving people unconditionally, serving them, not being selfish/self-centered, and mostly just being joyful no matter my circumstances. Sunday I was studying in the lounge and was in a bit of a stressed and negative mood. I was freaking out about how much Winter Park is gonna cost, but afraid that if I didn't go I'd just be alone all weekend. The scary part was that half of me would have been totally okay with being by myself for a weekend. Sometimes I like to be alone too much, I'm scared that's how I'm starting to like to be. Like maybe I'm just better at being on my own. I decided for my own health, and because Winter Park will be fun, I'd just fork out the cash and go. So as I was in this rather negative mood I started to realize that people just didn't seem to want to be around me. I'm not funny, especially cool, or even really that interesting of an individual. All I really have to offer is generally being cheerful and helpful and loving, and recently I haven't been that. I got scared I was gonna lose all my friends/the people I think are my friends. All the worries, fears, frustrations, hurts, and sad moments of the past few weeks (don't' worry, there have been tons of great moments too!) piled up and I ended up just going to my room and crying...for a while. Sometimes that is what the soul really, really needs. I almost have to go to class, so I'll summarize the rest.
Essentially I realized how much I really need to give it all up to God. I may be struggling a bit with the problem of suffering in the world, and why God allows that, but honestly it is a question no one has an answer for and basically every Christian struggles with. I realized how much I've been trying to do things on my own, and allowing myself to live in resentment and bitterness. I cried and yelled at God, begging him to just let me be happy. All I want is to be happy. I prayed and cried and gave my problems up to Him. Then, I fell asleep. The rest of the week has been much, much better...minus the ridiculously awful frigid weather. It's snowing again! Beautiful, but miserably cold! I wish I could just enjoy it from a warm chair with a cup of hot chocolate...but such a luxury is not allowed in this crazy college life!