Paper Crown

Two days flew by, and not a thought had been given to my routine study of Luke. Meetings, homework, studying for exams, and, let's face it, fun with friends, had taken over, scooping me up in a whirlwind of events and general business, completely removing my focus from what was once the most important and looked-forward-to part of my day.

What happened?

It was Saturday night or (very early) Sunday morning when I realized I hadn't done my Bible study or blogged about it in two days. So I made a quick excuse to cover my tracks (probably the post right below this one...) and continued studying. Brushing the most important thing - God - from my mind and saying to myself, "I really have to study for this biology exam, and God understands."

And while studying for my biology exam was quite important, I should never have put it above God. Even if I didn't have half an hour to blog, I should still have taken time to be in God's presence, pray, and fellowship with Him. I put God on the backburner, and for that, I am sorry.

But it wasn't just this weekend, the whole past week has been off. I couldn't pinpoint it, but I just felt a little off-balance, like I was standing in Tree Pose in yoga class with my eyes closed, wobbling side to side, arms awkwardly stiff in the air and trying to regain composure.

See, ever since the Thorn I've been on such a Jesus high. Every morning I've woken up just so full of joy because Jesus is beyond awesome. I've been so filled with awe at His great love for us, and I completely believe that joy and awe was given to me straight from God, He has allowed me to be full of delight in Him. Even when little bad things happened or a day was just mediocre in terms of events and difficulty, it was still an awesome day, because Jesus just rocks.

I guess I started to feel pretty good about that. I was doing good with God. I was happy, full of joy in Him, passionate and alive and so ready to do His will. And then this week I just didn't feel quite up to par. I was tired, busy, minorly stressed, and getting a cold (sniffles and sneezes, ew). So I got frustrated with myself. When I woke up and started thinking about me, myself, and I instead of Jesus, I gave myself a little pinch, snapped the proverbial rubber band on my wrist, and tried to direct my thoughts to being more God-focused.

But the moment it starts becoming about you instead of God, it becomes even more about you. So I tried to think more about God and just be happy in Jesus like I had been, and the more I tried the more I failed, and the more frustrated I became with myself. I had been doing so well! Why couldn't I just be the good, happy, Jesus-centered, passionate person I seemed to be last week?

And then, over the weekend, I began to understand, I was beginning to lean on my own strength, hold myself up high, instead of leaning on Jesus. I was happy, I was passionate, I was delighting in Jesus, I, I, I. I wasn't giving everything up to Jesus anymore.

Life had been feeling so easy, I was flying along at a high of 75, and I had stopped giving everything to Him, stopped relying on Him. I was making it about me, how good I was, instead of how good He is. 

And that realization was freeing. Letting go again, begging forgiveness for my self-centered actions and mentality, for making my walk with Jesus about how good I looked instead of glorifying Him. And I confessed my pride, again, and once again, dear Jesus forgave me.

It's amazing how He does that, always forgiving.

No matter how many times I put myself back on the throne of my life, make the world in my mind revolve around little ol' me, He let's me do it until I get so dizzy from the self-centered revolving that I fall off that silly chair. Crashing to the ground, my paper crown of selfishness and pride crumples. Jesus picks it up, smooths it out, folds it up, and puts it in His pocket, I'm forgiven and free once more. He picks me up and rights the chair. With a hug and a kiss on the forehead, like any good father gives a fallen child, He says, "it's okay, I still love you, I always have." And the chair becomes His throne, the center once more.