A Confession

I must confess that in a world of wounds and war

I have contributed to division

In a world where people are wrapped up in their own pain and fear

I have allowed my own fear and anger to control me

putting up walls between myself and those I disagree with

those whose opinions anger me

sadden me

and make me fearful

I’m heartbroken by opinions and politics that propose great walls 

to keep out the immigrant, demonize the refugee

And yet I do the same

turning those with whom I disagree into an enemy

allowing perspectives and politics I deem as hateful

to stop me from seeing a fellow human being

It’s easier to create stories

than to listen

So I’ve written stories about those people

decided they are evil, racist, hateful

These stories are safer, easy

then I don’t have to see real, hurting people

I must confess that in a world divided by pain, fear, and loss

my words have not been invitational, my actions push away instead of draw near 

I want to rage

I want to scream

demonize the other

and not see a fellow hurting human

not pause long enough to acknowledge that pain renders us irrational

and perhaps we’re all just hurting too much to function clearly

I have to be honest that

I don’t want to listen

Don’t want to stop and hear the stories

Don’t want to ask questions

Don’t want to seek to understand

those it would be easier to simply hate

Because it is easier to keep “those people” “over there”

where I don’t have to know them

understand perspectives, sympathize with pain

If I choose to see brother instead of enemy

I suddenly must see the violence in my own heart

No longer can I blame and say “how dare they” 

I must confess that my heart does not always desire unity, and that I have not always pursued it

But my first step towards peace, is saying I’m Sorry

Tired of God

Tired of God

photography & poetry © katy owens

Sometimes I’m tired

of a God who just cares

As the world dissolves

in pain, injustice, and tears

I demand to know 

where God’s been all these years 

And with every 

Where are you God?

The answer always an infuriating 

I’m right here with you

And sometimes I’m tired

of a God who is just with us 

I want more

I want what I deem as better

I want action and grand displays of power

from the stable-born humble babe in a manger 

Come down from that cross and

PROVE YOU ARE GOD

they taunt while silent Jesus

surrenders spirit and dies

He invited our violence, met insatiable power-thirst

with radical display of surrendered power and love 

Prove yourself, I continue to demand

Your mere presence doesn’t show it enough

And he looks me in the eyes, says

kill me, in three days I’ll rise

But God don’t you know they see you so poorly

And I scream for great displays of glory 

from a God with no need 

to satiate their ego

And humble human killed-on-a-tree Jesus is here

God with us. God with you. God with me.

I Sense

a wednesday evening

candles burn

a glow reflects in the window

my eye is captured

can't let the light go

growing things stretch necks upwards

towards daylight now unseen

my mind is captivated

stop and grow

something fluttering in the wind

of light and growth and searching

change in the air

Untitled :: Poetry

Lips press 
'Gainst forehead 
Of a broken child
Shame rolls in tears
Streaks down a face
Marred with hurt
And hidden pain
Grace's tears
Fall faster
To wash pain
Away
Love kisses forehead
Of a beloved child
Human with human
God with us
And the Spirit dances
While the
Son of Man kisses
A child of God

Charleston Hearbreak

The words in my brain
won't stop pounding out the names
The killers and the killed

And the news stream
seems
to be blurring all the lines
So that a black boy killed
is labeled a thug
but somehow a white boy killer
can't be a terrorist,
poor boy's actions just
product of a deranged mind

What about our deranged society
because they still took him in alive
But for some
possibly stolen Cigarillos
that officer knew nothing about
they killed him

He couldn't breathe
and they killed him

He was playing in a park
and they killed him

She was driving a stolen car
and they killed her

She was sleeping in her bed
AND THEY KILLED HER

But they, were just doing their duty

And the numbers keep on rising
will we notice when
our streets literally run red
with blood like
the French Revolution images in my high school history books?

My heart's so broken
tears can't even come
I'm split wide open
When will it all be done?

Cuz we've been crying for ages,
"Lord, come soon"

Oh dear revolutionary Jesus
I know you're here with us
But please change things soon
Because Your people
aren't doing much
too much of the time

And today
I'm out of grace
for people who just won't see
Who call the dead kids "thugs,"
and the live killers just "crazy"
Would they say the same if it was their kid
lying four hours dead, in the streets

Dear revolutionary Jesus,
may the blind see
and your deaf children hear
And may my heart remain broken
Until in justice is no more
Come soon.

Tomorrow

When the rain falls
and worries slide
like drops down a windshield
sprinkled in drops
And the fears don't
feel so
overwhelming,
anymore
Falling clouds
help the fears
fall away
And maybe by tomorrow
even though the mud
hasn't dried
and sometimes my
hands still feel tied
I'll start to feel,
like clouds fading into day,
a little more 
okay

An Honest Moment

Dammit,
Lord...

I keep falling
short

If I could walk around
on my knees,
would You expect less of me? 

Because the bar 
seems too high
and I believe that
You've asked me to die

To myself
self-ish gain
to my ways
man's high-ways

And I think I've said
no
again and again
to the whims of my
fellow man

But it's never enough
it would seem
Fall flat off my feet once
again

Bar's too high
can't reach that high
How much more do You want me
to die? 

When do I get to cry
"it's finished"
Have given enough to
once again feel
Your touch

When all I want
is to know You more
and this world around keeps
pushing me to the floor

Are my ways ever good
when only Your ways are God 

Do I only reach higher
when I find myself lower
Cuz every damn day
I fall even shorter

I'm seeking perfection seated
on a throne
and today feels like I'm battling alone

Do I only find perfection 
when I'm sitting on the ground
where heaven and earth meet
In a glorious dance
this miraculous romance
to find truth in the dichotomy
of dirt and divine

To stop reaching for a 
kingdom in the sky
find eternity in my heart
this Kingdom is nigh

Lord,
I'm still falling
short
flat on my face
growing use to dirt in my mouth's
gritty taste

Maybe in moments of
my greatest failure
are where I meet
my relentless Savior 

Prophecy of Protests

But Love 
hung on a tree

Bruised body, blood flowed

Love died so 
we could be free

Love didn't look at skin or color

Love didn't look at nationality,

legality

Love look at souls

and said we're brothers

Blood flowed

for every nation, 

tribe and 

tongue

But we've forgotten. 

And now 

the prophets of the streets

crying like Pentecostal priests

Beating chests and

stomping feet

Begging

those choosing blindness

to see

See our pain

Feel our fury

Our righteous anger

rages

against injustices you pretend 
can remain unseen

You were born with this freedom

to close your eyes

We were born into a world 

stabbing us from behind

So don't bring your Bibles,

shove your tracts 

drag us down aisles

You weren't here from the beginning

Fighting to break chain,

set captives free

"We have nothing to lose but our chains"

Our battle cry is freedom

justice,

equality for all

Jew and Gentile

Slave and free

Now the verses can read

Black and white

Upper class and lower

College educated, GED

You know, He's crying with us 

shouting, marching

Beating chest and

stomping feet

Don't think you're bringing Jesus to us

He's already here,

on the streets

Prophecy of protests

Righteous rage against

iniquity 

Jesus, the revolutionary

God with us

On the ground with us

Love doesn't look at

skin or color

And Love hung from

a tree

It is our duty to fight for our freedom

Love has already won the day

And we have nothing to lose but our chains

We will fight to lose our chains

- - - - -

                Ferguson has changed me. Broken me. Built me. My heart breaks again everyday, and the pieces are held together by the community around me. I do not yet know fully what Ferguson has done in my life, and we have yet to see the full extent of what it will do in our world. But I sense the world changing around me, paradigms are shifting, in my own life and all around me. I am beyond grateful to be part of this movement, and to those who have given themselves to fight for justice.

My Psalm

I've been reading through the book of Psalms in the Bible recently and realized, I'm essentially reading someone's journal. David's poems were the prayers, praises and petitions to the Lord he wrote down, now there for us to see. They are powerful because they are raw and real, deeply honest and vulnerable. They speak to where David was at in moments of doubt, hope, desire, joy, heartbreak, failure, brokenness. They speak to us because we can identify with them. We understand his words of peace, lying down in green pastures and beside quiet waters, finding refuge in a God who is ever-present in times of trouble. We can identify with the moments when David cries, "Lord, where are you? Why are you silent?" We all have moments of doubt. Moments when (if we are really honest) we wonder if God is even there, or if He is, if He actually cares. The trouble is, we often aren't willing to vocalize those fears and questions because we aren't comfortable with the vulnerability, or not always having it all together. This is why David's words resonate with so many people in different stages of life and places of faith. Because it's David speaking to God exactly what is on his heart. With all of that in mind, I want to share a prayer/poem I wrote down recently as I sought the Lord in my brokenness and wrongdoing. 

God, 

I have been so self-centered

focused on me all day long

as if I'm God

as if my ways are right and just

Or, at least,

more important than anyone else's 

As if, 

I matter more

or my little world even 

matters at all

You know, the one where

I'm on the throne and

You give me glory

That world doesn't exist,

but I pretend it does

I live like it does

so often,

too often

Live for my comfort,

live for my fame,

ruled by my "right" to

"my rights"

as if they existed, when really

I surrendered my rights 

the moment I

surrendered to You

Yet

I'm trying to take them back

as if my will mattered

or my ways were

right and true

Righteousness

is from You alone

Self-righteousness, the burden 

on my back, take

this burden away

The sin I carry

Lord, 

I need you now

Direct my thoughts away

from me and my selfish ways

where I care more for

my comfort than

the people around me

Turn my face to You

Only there do I find rest

my peace is in You

And when my eyes are fixed

on the throne

Yours, not the one I 

try to construct

Then justice rolls down

mercy will I see

love, an outpouring

of the Love I've been shown

grace will I give, for

You gave it to me

And my world will shrink

never more to be seen

consumed by your

all-consuming, gracious sea

Lord,

help me

help me be

like You

Walls

I am
     the only wall you will ever need

                                                    Stop hiding
                                                   Stop fighting
                             against the wrongs you have committed
                               things you wish could remain hidden 

Shame is just a mask
Guilt a hidden dagger
         stabbing you again and again
                   never letting you get better 

The beauty of grace 
is you don't have to be afraid
Mercy new every morning
I've taken your cloak of shame 

                                        You can hide behind me
                                    because grace is an ocean and 
                                   I've already stopped the storm

When everyone says, 
                               "be perfect"
My outstretched arms say, 
                               "I already am"

When you hide behind a wall
a construct of your own two hands 
You limit a grace that is greater

           Shut everyone out
                           box yourself in 

It's not about what you can do
             
                                         It's about what I've done  

I'm tearing down your walls 
because I'm the only one
you need