Catch Me

     One of the hardest things in the world is trust. This simple, but difficult action is exhibited in tons of leadership trainings or kids games when you close your eyes and fall backwards into the arms of someone standing behind you. You can't see them, but you put your faith in them and trust they'll stand strong and catch you when you let go. It's one of the simplest, most difficult concepts to ever grasp.

     It's hard to trust other people. Broken hearts and past pains can create a barrier, fears of "what if" and "but last time" crowd in like weeks and smother the little shoot of trust trying so desperately to create roots and grow big and tall.

     If it's hard to trust other people, who we can physically see, touch, and hear...how much harder is it to trust someone you can't physically interact with?

     Trust is hard for me. I tend to air on the side of way-too-cautious. Everytime someone is upset, I assume it is with me. I expect to mess up, say or do something wrong, and destroy the relationship. I'm hesitant to share my feelings or just pour my heart out because I assume no one really cares about what I have to say. My feelings and thoughts and hurts aren't worth listening to, I'm wasting their time.

     Now I know these things aren't true, and in the past months and years God has worked on me so greatly to change my assumptions that I am worthless and unwanted. But Satan still knows where my insecurities lie, and he picks at them like an old cut you never allow to fully heal whenever my guard is down or defenses low.

     So fully and completely trusting God, that can be hard. I mean He isn't someone we can perceive with our senses. We can feel Him in our hearts, hear His beautiful voice in our minds, and see the way He interacts with the world. We see, hear, taste, and smell the world He has created. For those who believe in Him, we know that these things are Him, choosing not to believe the excuses and explanations others come up with about how the world was created, karma, or coincidences that occur to make miraculous-seeming events take place.

     But it can be so, so hard to put utterly complete faith in anyone, especially God. For an independent, self-reliant person, it's even more difficult. I don't like admitting I'm not strong enough or knowledgeable enough to do something. I'll be carrying a box nearly as heavy as I am, knees buckling under the weight, and still assert that I'm fine and don't need help. I don't like to be weak. I don't like to have to depend fully upon others.

     I love depending on God, though. I've discovered that some of the most beautiful, peaceful moments are when I realize my weakness and inability, finally admit to them, and then lean fully on God. Just let go, fall backwards, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will be there to catch me.

     Relationships are all about trust, especially the one with Jesus. Faith that He is there, and then trust that He cares and is there for us no matter what, even when we've abandoned Him, stopped putting out trust and faith in Him, He's still there. Putting our faith entirely in Him, not worrying about the "what if's" or "maybe's" and fully relying on Him will take a lifetime. We will never be perfect, we will never be sinless, and we will never be fully without doubt. It's part of our sinful nature. But what we can do is put our entire being into trying to be perfect, trying to be sinless, and trying to live fully reliant on Him. We have to also realize, though, that we are incapable of this, and that in order to really live a life that trusts God, we have to give up our desire to be strong and independent and lean fully on Him, the God who loves us so much He sent His only son to die for us, the Jesus who will forever and always be our very best friend, and catch us every time we fall, whether we know we are falling or not.