Be Happy

This is my Be Happy Doodle. I did it about a month ago while watching Miracle on 34th Street with my dear siblings, who I miss terribly. 

On that note, I really do miss my family a lot! I mean I know they are far from perfect, and when I'm with them I'm frequently terrifically annoyed with them, but they're still wonderful, and they're still mine! I miss Megan's sarcasm, her imitations of people, and her jokes. She's always the life of the party. I miss being able to talk about girly things, but also deep things, with her. She's one of my best friends. I miss doing art with Jamie, music turned up loud, randomly headbanging (or in my case, hair-shaking) to his (sometime obnoxiously loud) screamo/metal music. I miss all our conversations, ranging from girls/boys to music to weapons. I miss Ashleigh's and her wonderfully dramatic personality. I miss watching her sit on the couch literally all week reading though all the Harry Potter books...even though she was only going to read the 4th one. I miss Lauren's chatterbox self, so different from the also incredibly quiet girl she can be. I miss hearing her talk about her rat or her classes and show me all her art (frequently "inspired" by whatever Jamie or I have recently done, but hey, imitation is the best form of flattery!). I miss dearest Alex, with his energy and adorableness. I miss "Alex hugs," even if he is getting a bit heavy to pick up and spin around! I miss hearing about what he's been doing at school, and how adorably generous he is with his money and crafts (oops, his teacher said they are not crafts, they're art projects. My bad). I miss deep conversations about theology with Dad, and hearing stories about how he met and fell in love with mom. And I miss my mommy, telling her every single detail about whatever happened in my day and her patient listening to my complaints or exciting stories. I miss them all, and summer feels so terribly far away! 

That's my little side-note about how much I love and miss my beautiful family (and they are all beautiful! Inside and out:). My doodle reminded me of them, but also of other things. Though it really was just doodling random patterns and thoughts and images on a nice white bit of paper, there's still a lot of what was on my mind down in images and text. 

Be happy, be free, trust. They all go together, I believe. Happiness, true happiness (in other words, joy), is found in trust. And trust brings freedom. In my world, that trust has to be on Jesus. This was the theme of David Flammer's discussion at Passage yesterday. It was great, and difficult, to hear, because as I listened, I realized that trust is actually a way bigger issue in my life than I had ever realized. 

I mean I've always known I had some trust issues. I have them with other people, though I'm getting better, assuming that no one really wants to be friends with me, and that every friendship I have is destined to die sooner or later. It just happened so many times before. 

I have issues trusting God, too. I mean I really do trust Him, but it's hard to give everything to Him. I want to hold onto little bits, not let Him have it all, just incase. Or, I'm not willing for Him to do anything He wants, I trust Him to a certain point. "Jesus, You can have it all, do whatever You want with my life...except ______." That's something I've been dealing with a bit this week. I was trying to leave situations in His hands, but afraid of outcomes I didn't want. There has to be an utter willingness and surrender to whatever His plan is. We have to truly know and believe that His plans are best, even if we can't see it right away. 

Because God is good, and God is great, and God is powerful, all-knowing, and His plans are perfect. 

Another point of contemplation in recent weeks, though, has been how exactly God can be good when, in the Old Testament especially, He orchestrates so many seemingly bad events (i.e. wars, death, destruction). In my heart, I know God is good. I know His plans are good. I know He is merciful, just, compassionate. I know these things, but this knowledge clashes with what I'm reading, and the Bible is God-breathed, true, and infallible, right? 

Here's what I concluded (and I could be so off-base with this, so if I am...set me straight!) My definition of good is different from God's. It's in terms I can understand with my human mind and vocabulary. God is good, and good doesn't just mean positive events. God's good is looking at the whole situation, beginning to end, timeless. I see a little snippet of the plan from one angle, one snapshot of a long film. God sees the whole thing, not as a progressing film, but as an already painted picture, and he sees it from every angle, not just through one lens. So God is good, but in my human understanding of the world, I can't fully comprehend His goodness, righteousness, faithfulness, greatness, mercy, compassion, grace, and justice. 

And the bottom line is that Jesus is love. That's the basis, the foundation, what we truly should focus on. And our trust and faith in Him should stem from that knowledge of His love. He loves us, therefore, His will is good, His plans are good, and He is good, so we can, and should, trust Him with everything. And in the moments where we can't seem to trust Him, we must pray like the father in Mark 9, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" I do trust, help my inability to trust.