Saving the World, One Smile at a Time

Well...I'm either super lazy or completely uninspired in St. Louis. Or I'm enjoying sleeping to much to do anything productive. Regardless, I'm posting now! 


These past few weeks have been crazy. When I first got back to St. Louis it was ridiculous. I hated it, I hated being here, I hated being away from DU and Colorado and friends. Needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest of moods. I felt angry and bitter and sad, and I'm not entirely sure why. It just wasn't the greatest of situations. I wasn't happy with my attitude, but I couldn't seem to change it no matter what. I tried to be kind, caring, happy, but I just got frustrated with everyone and ended up mad at them. 


Finally one day I became really heartbroken about it. I cried and yelled and pleaded and talked to Jesus for a long time. It didn't seem fair, that I had been so happy in college and now had to deal with being so unhappy. It wasn't fair that I only got a few months of joy when I've had so much sadness, and it wasn't fair that the joy only got to last when I was having fun, or with friends. I wanted to be happy all the time, no matter the circumstances, like Paul. 


I started thinking about how much I thought I had changed in college. I thought I was filled with joy and love, because of Jesus, not as a result of my circumstances. I thought I was getting stronger and more caring, more servant-hearted. But coming home, I realized that I hadn't changed that much. Maybe I'm actually just a bitter, awful individual, with some lovely mask on in college. Maybe not, maybe my family just brings out the worst in me. Or maybe I'm willing to let my poor qualities shine when around my family because they're supposed to love me no matter what, whereas if you get too annoying or rude around friends they can just leave. 


So I cried out that I wanted change, I wanted to truly be different, I wanted to love and care and be joyful no matter what came my way. And Jesus has been working in me, changing me, showing His awesome strength through my weakness. I feel content, happy, loved. I still miss everyone from DU terribly. I can't wait to go back. But I know that even if I never got to return to college, never saw my dear friends again, I would be okay - sad, but okay. As long as I am living my life loving Jesus and sharing His mercy and love with others, I will be okay.