Is It A Wonderful Life?

I have so many random thought dashing through my mind right now. Hopefully I can make sense of them...I'll do my very, very best. 


We watched It's A Wonderful Life tonight as a family. I strongly dislike that movie, a fact I discovered only just this evening. I know, I know, I'm crazy. That's one of those movies you are supposed to watch and feel all warm and fuzzy inside because it's so cute and has a happy ending and gives meaning to life. It's really quite ridiculous and self-centered that such a movie should make me feel so negative. Maybe I'm just moody, maybe I'm retarded, maybe I'm completely narcissistic. Those are all quite valid options. 


I'm the kind of person who loves to do things for people, loves to give gifts, loves to help, loves to make people happy, etc. But I also love to be appreciated for these actions. I'm bad at just serving for the sake of serving, I want recognition. Just a "thank you," or "we need you," or "we couldn't have done it without you" ... that sort of thing. It's kind of a problem, because I then get mad or frustrated that people (aka my family) haven't noticed how much I've done, or properly recognized it, and then "we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight..." (The Academy Is). I'm not sure if this even makes sense...but anyways...


I'm also one of those kinds of people who frequently wonders what impact I actually have on people's lives. I've had a lot of friends, and I've lost a lot of friends. I don't know if I'm just a terrible friend, if there's something wrong with me, if I push people away (unintentionally), or if I'm just not the sort of person who is meant to have lasting friends. Watching It's A Wonderful Life didn't make me realize how much I'm needed in the world, instead it reminded me of all the times I've felt so helpless and useless, unwanted and unneeded. I kinda wish I could have a George Bailey moment (aside from the jumping into a freezing lake in the dead of winter after my guardian angel). I wish I could know that whatever I've done in this life has made some sort of difference. Sometimes I'm not so sure it has. I haven't done great things like George Bailey had. He gave up so much for his friends and family and town. He sacrificed himself constantly for others, but he was never bitter. Well...he mostly wasn't. That day he was. Anyways, he was a generally cheerful and loved person. Of course his life made a difference! 


Then at the end of the movie George gets a Bible from his guardian angel. It has a quote on the inside that says, "Remember, no man is a failure who has friends." That quote only added to my negative feelings. Like I said, I've lost a lot of friends. Most of them, in fact. I have absolutely wonderful friends at college. I love them dearly. They are the greatest, but back in St. Louis, I have very few friends. So does that make me a failure? And if so, what have I done so wrong to have so many people leave. 


Then I had a miniature fight with my dad...more like a slight disagreement. So I was pissed. And feeling very unappreciated. I've been doing a lot here...cooking and cleaning and dishes and laundry. I'm not actually sure how anything was done when I wasn't here! But mom said they got along just find without me, so I guess they figured out a way. I went up to my room in a pretty bad mood. I'm not proud of it, but that's just the way it was. 


I started painting. Painting is wonderful. Art is great. It's therapeutic. I'm so thankful God gave me art, because sometimes I feel like that's all I have. It made me feel a bit better, I was just sitting there painting and thinking and questioning. Questioning is good. It's better than just accepting life and hating it. I don't think there's anything wrong with questioning God. I think He would rather us be upset and questioning and at least talking to Him than in a static and routine religion. I don't even remember exactly what I was thinking or saying, but I know He told me I was being silly. I was like, "I know! But I want to act like a ridiculous child! I don't want to accept anything, I want to be in a bad mood and angry and hurt!" I thought about the movie, and failing. I thought about not being accepted or needed. I thought about people leaving, losing friends. I wondered what is the point in caring so much about people, or putting so much into a relationship, if people leave. And I just remember very clearly hearing, "Have I ever walked away?" Yeah. Good point. I shut up and thought more about Jesus after that. 


He doesn't leave. He's never walked away. He's always there, even though I complain and argue and bitch. I whine so much. I take Him for granted. I'm upset about people not appreciating me...let's just think for a second about how much I fail to appreciate Him. There are so many little gifts God gives us, gives me. Some of them I notice. It's beautiful. I remember one day thinking about a song I really wanted to hear, Friend of God, in church. I was just talking to God and mentioned it to Him, hoped I'd get to hear it at New City when I was back in St. Louis. That morning the worship band at Denver United played it. I was stunned. I had also mentioned a desire to hear Blessed Be Your Name, and that song was played that morning as well. I was so struck by that tiny act. It could be called a coincidence, but I don't think so. Too perfect a coincidence for me to deem it that. Such a small, random thing, but it reminded me that He hears me, and He cares. So I appreciated that moment! But there are so many thousands of things I never even notice. I count them as part of my daily life, or maybe think I deserve the blessing. I'm not under-appreciated, but I under-appreciate God. Yet, He's never walked away. He never will.