Basically I love the band He Is We. The chorus of this song, "suddenly closing my eyes, hands up for the very first time, I'm closing my eyes," was on repeat in my brain. Of course, the natural response and only cure to this was to listen to the song over, and over, and over, and over again, which I did. Standing in the mirror and,
Try to imagine
Forever, what does it look like?
Facing my greatest endeavor
Suddenly closing my eyes
Hands up for the very first time
I'm closing my eyes
Tell me I don't give up
Tell me there's someone out there
Give me a pure love
Give me a forever that we both can share
Show me it's okay
Show me it's all right
That I'm far from crazy for living by faith and not by sight
Will he be proud of
All of the things I've done
My mistakes, the things that I, regret
Wishing I could forget,
My heart breaks
Suddenly closing my eyes
Hands up for the very first time
I'm closing my eyes
Tell me don't give up
Tell me there's someone out there
Give me a pure love
Give me a forever that we both can share
Show me it's okay
Show me it's all right
That I'm far from crazy
For living by faith and not by sight
Eyes can only see so far
Tired of wishing on all these stars
So I close my eyes and pray
Nothing comes to mind so I let my heart say;
Tell me don't give up
Tell me there's someone out there
Give me a pure love
Give me a forever that we both can share
Show me it's okay
Show me it's all right
That I'm far from crazy
For living by faith and not by sight
Tell me don't give up
Tell me there's someone out there
Give me a pure love
Give me a forever that we both can share
Show me it's okay
Show me it's all right
That I'm far from crazy
For living by faith and not by sight
Give me a love
Give me a love
Give me a pure love
Give me a love
Give me a love
A pure love
(Listen to the song here)
As the chorus played a repeated soundtrack to my day, I figured I should look up the lyrics to better appreciate the song (and make sure I was singing along with the right words). My love for the song grew even greater.
As far as I am aware, He Is We is a secular band, but the lyrics to this song felt so relevant to my relationship with God. My relationship with Jesus is all about trusting that everything is okay, everything is all right, it's about closing my eyes, holding my hands wide open, and never giving up. It's about living by faith, not by sight. It's about pure love, the purest of loves. We all seek it our whole lives, looking under rocks and through bushes for the perfect someone, filling the voids in our life with everything we can throw in. But it's like a giant black hole in our soul, nothing we toss in will fill it, like a vacuum they're sucked away, leaving us starving for more like someone with a tapeworm. Jesus, only Jesus, can fill us, and fill us overflowing with the purest, deepest, most beautiful of all loves, greater than we could ever have dreamed of or hoped for. Matchless, priceless, exquisite, His love.
This love is just so incredible, because I am so unworthy. Because every day I fail, and repent, only to fall again. But I'm forgiven, every time. Not just that, not only am I forgiven each time I fail, I am still loved. Loved with the most unfailing, sacrificial love ever known. I do nothing to deserve it. Better yet, I can do nothing, which means it is truly a free love, a gift, for me. Love that is beautiful, love that is forever. We all want someone to give us a pure love, a forever love, deeper than any valley, higher than any mountain, vaster than the galaxies above, beyond, and around us. And I have it. I have that love. I know what it is like to be unconditionally loved. I know that no matter what I do, I will still be loved. That's the best thing I've ever heard.
That's why I love this song, it speaks so perfectly about Jesus' love. No giving up, because there is someone out there. There is a pure love, meant for everyone who desires it. Everything is okay, and the best life is one lived by faith, not by sight. The moment I started actually giving everything to God, my life got exponentially better. Not because all my questions were answered, not because I was suddenly privy to some mysterious insight about the direction or purpose of my life that I so deeply desired, but because I gave up wanting, needing to know. I gave up my burning desire to have the rest of my life traced out in front of me, and I just trusted. I folded up the map I was trying to draw. Instead of shoving it in a box and placing it deep in the corners of my closet to be glanced at in years to come, I sealed it up with wax, held it out, and placed it in Jesus' outstretched hands. I gave up the need to know, the desire to have a plan, and said "I do." I do whatever you want. I go wherever you want. I say, write, draw, what you want. Whatever, wherever, whoever.
"Show me it's okay, show me it's all right, that I'm far from crazy for living by faith and not by sight."
But I mess up. I forget to be faithful. I fail all the time. And I wonder, will He be proud? So many mistakes, so many moments I regret. And my heart does break. Living along with the song, I revisit those moments and wish they could be undone. Wish I could have said, done, thought, differently. I'm so, so undeserving. So, so unworthy.
Close eyes, open hands up, and admit it. Admit failure, admit shame, admit sin. Let it go, open up hands and stop holding onto the past. Let go. There's hope. Future. Pure love. Living by faith, not by sight. Pure love, the purest love. Mine. 
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