Peace Out.

(From yesterday, Tuesday, March 20)

“Just a thing, just a thing, just a thing.” Those were the words I repeated, and continue to repeat, to myself, over and over and over. But it's hard to convince yourself, when something you hold so dear has just been killed, or at least quite maimed.

Curse those slippery stairs. Curse the melting snow. And most of all, curse my stupid clumsiness that caused me to fall. I could go on forever lamenting the causes, but no matter how long I decide to complain, it doesn't matter. It happened, I slipped, I fell, I landed on my poor camera, and I broke him, I broke dear Henry's beautiful lens, and probably the rest of him, too.

It was really very tragic. That may sound like an exaggeration, but my camera is my friend, the way I express myself, the lens through which I see and experience the world, the way I document my life, and often my feelings and emotions as well.

And he's hurt, broken. Not beyond repair, or at least the lens isn't, but possibly beyond my budget's version of repair.

It was all too much. The camera was already causing me grief because poor Henry is a bit old and no longer functioning properly. My phone isn't working, my other camera isn't on best behavior, and my bank account steadily decreases. When I fell and cracked my lens, it was the 50lb brick that broke this camel's back. A few tears may have been shed, whether they were real or supposed, you'll never know.

But I had to remind myself … “it's just a thing.”

Yes, photography is one of my passions. Yes, it is my primary form of artistic expression. Yes, I am mildly devastated, but, it's just a thing.

So now I must look at this from the grand scheme of things. This is not the end of the world. Though for a few moments, staring at shattered shards of the huge eye of my camera, it felt as though everything were crashing down around me, it wasn't. It isn't. It's not.

It's just a camera. It's just a lens. It's just a bad moment, a dip in the line graph of my life.

And what does this give me? What is the good? What's the “bright side?”

I get to trust. The second-best part of having Jesus in my life (the first being His love), is being able to lay my life fully in His hands and trust Him 100% with everything. And guess what? That includes my camera.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to trust. Because Jesus will provide. I don't know exactly how yet. I mean it would be absolutely lovely to open up my mailbox when I get back from Arizona and find a lovely new camera in my mail-slot. Or pray over my camera and the lens be miraculously fixed. Or find $600 on the ground or in the mail. All these things would be wonderful. And while Jesus is more than capable of any of them, I don't know how He will provide. Maybe it will be in one of these ways, maybe it will be far less direct. But I know He will provide, because He always does. He just doesn't do it my way, because my way is not the best. He does it His way, because He knows best. And I trust Him. Yes, yes I do.

So I'm really not that down. I feel like I should be, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't, and I'm not. I hate that my camera is no longer functional, but Katherine is lending me hers for the remainder of the trip, so I'll still be able to document the happy moments and beauty of the Grand Canyon (tomorrow!!). It's gonna be okay, because it's just a thing. Jesus is good, Jesus is best.

But I'm still a little sad.