The Big Blue Armchair

When I was little we had this huge armchair. It was blue, with little red and hold lines of stitching running up and down it. I loved that armchair. It was a comfort to me, the day we put it out on the street and replaced it with a newer one I was sad. I used to sit curled up in the chair, surrounded by its soft blueness. I would lean my body and head against it's back and feel warm and safe. It was like sitting in someone's lap, their arms wrapped around you. It was completely secure. That chair was sort of my image of God. My big father, whose lap I could curl up in and be completely protected.

The other night I was sitting sideways in an armchair in our floor kitchen and I had a flashback to those warm protected moments in the big blue armchair. Suddenly all I wanted to do was lean my head on it's strong back and feel small and safe again. That's God for me. My favorite image of God is when I'm feeling hurt, down, broken, like a failure, or happy, full of life, in need of a hug, any emotion really, and I just close my eyes and picture myself in his lap. Like a Santa Clause in the mall. He's big and loving and accepting. He forgives me for every single wrong I've ever committed, and volumes could be written, I assure you, and He wraps His strong arms around me, rocks me back and forth, and reminds me that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.

I had to go back and ask for that unfailing forgiveness today. I should every day, but I don't. Every day I should get on my knees and thanks the Lord for this beautiful world. I should thank Him for giving me life. I should thank Him for His great sacrifice. I should thank Him for His love. I should thank Him for forgiving me even though I fail Him daily. Daily, I should do these things, but daily I don't. I'm a college student, I'm busy. But too busy for God? Too busy to take moments of my day to dwell in His word? That is a failure. That is my failure.

As I was reading in Matthew this morning I came upon this verse:

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." Matt 12:35

I'm a follower of Jesus! His good should be shining out of me. I should be loving and serving and caring, just as Christ did. Yet every day, there I bring evil. I complain. I fail. I think about myself every moment of my day. I gossip. I don't trust Him. I worry. I care too much about the materialistic things of the world. I fear people's thoughts of me. I don't love God the way I should. I fail Him every day. Where is the good? I want my life to tell the story of Jesus. If you were to type up the Story of Katy Owens I would want the word most frequently uttered to be some form of "Jesus," or "God," "Christ," or "Lord." He is my story.

I can't do this alone. Infact, I can't do it. I'm utterly incapable. I am weak. But God's power is made perfect in my weakness. So I am weak, and broken, and a failure. I give it Jesus. He can make me stronger, He can work through my failure to bring Himself to power. And I pray that one day I can have good stored up in my heart, so that what comes out of me is a reflection of Jesus' grace and love and goodness.