Living as a Child

I stood at the kitchen sink, washing the remains of dinner from a pile of dishes as my fingers slowly wrinkled, my mind racing with a thousand thoughts and worries, to-dos and trying to figure it all out. And I had a sudden realization. 

I'm a Martha. 

Not the Stewart kind. But the worrier who was too busy "doing" to sit at Jesus' feet and be present in a moment with Him. 

Story of my life, even though I'd rather not identify as a Martha. I want to be Mary, sitting at the feet of Jesus, learning and growing, worshiping and enjoying the relationship I have with Him. 

But just like I've identified with Peter in the Bible and found hope and redemption in that, I can find it in my similarity to Martha as well. Because while I may be like her now, I don't have to be like her forever. There's grace for that. There's hope for a changed heart and a changed life. 


As many of you may know, I have joined staff with Cru and am currently raising support to be a full-time missionary working with college students in Denver (read more here). It's an incredible experience in learning to trust God and rely on Him wholly, and so I am deeply grateful. At the same time, it is hard, stressful, and not my favorite learning experience.

Through this process I have learned what I've always known but never fully realized. 

I work hard, I'm diligent. I'm disciplined. But honestly, I also work too hard, am too disciplined. I don't rest well, I feel guilty taking breaks to do things just "for me." Things that don't seem "productive." 

And what I am realizing as my stress level increases and my prayers become more urgent, is that I am afraid. 

Because I truly do trust God. I have complete faith He can provide the ministry partners I need to raise the money I need to be fully funded and do the work He has called me to. I also have complete confidence that He will provide those funds. I am utterly convinced of my calling to ministry with Cru in Denver. God has made it clear again and again, moved my heart countless times, kept me safe and provided for my needs. 

But my actions don't match what my heart knows is true. 

I work like I don't believe He can and will provide. 

Almost like God is my backup plan. Like the plan is to work in my own strength and hope that will be enough, and if it isn't then God can provide. God shouldn't be my Plan B, there shouldn't even be a Plan B! 

The only plan I can have is God. 

But I work like God won't provide, while saying that I trust He will. So do I really trust Him? 

My realization a few days ago was this: I trust God can provide, but I'm so afraid He will choose not to that I think it's safer not to ask. 

I was talking about this with my Denver team leader (Shawn Cramer, aka best-boss-ever-other-than-Jesus). And he described it like this (I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember his exact words).

It's like I'm a a child living like an orphan rather than a son. As an orphan I have to rely on myself, I don't know where my next meal will come from. My time is spent worrying about where I will sleep and how I will eat because I am on my own, instead of living like a son who can play carefree, not worrying about their physical needs being met because they trust their parents to watch over them and provide. 

I think this may even be some of what Jesus talks about when He tells us to have faith like a child. Children are so trusting (barring tragedy that removes their innocence at a young age and teaches them not to trust. The tragedy of our broken world). Living as a child of God means I can "cast my worries on Him, because He cares." 

Childlike faith. Wonder in the cross. Awe of His sacrifice. Life changed by love. 

One of my favorite photos - my dad and  brother when he was little,
who also happens to be adopted from the Ukraine.
What a beautiful representation of God's grace manifested in human relationships.
No longer an orphan, but a son.

When that is my focus, I'm not worrying where my next meal will come from, because I can trust it will be provided for me. It's not even something I think about, because I'm so confident God will provide, in His perfect timing, that all I need to do is rest in His love and live a life changed by the Gospel. 


And so I will recognize that my broken tendencies lead me to work instead of worship. But by God's grace I will learn, as I'm sure Martha did, to let go and obey God in whatever He asks of me. Whether that be meeting with people to tell them about my ministry or taking a day off to serve my family or spend a day praying and reading my Bible, and trust that God can, and will, still provide. 

Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. 

I am learning to wait.

I am a child. No longer an orphan, but a daughter of the Greatest Father.