I'm Still Peter

I run a lot, for a lot of reasons. One of these reasons is that running is one of the times I connect with God best. I pray while I run, and I have heard the Lord speak to me the most while running.

As some of you may know, I am raising support for full-time missionary work with a non-profit mission organization called Cru (you can learn a little more about my heart for this here). My heart is for serving Denver college students, and that's what I'll be doing with Cru. However, while raising support, I can't be involved in on-campus (I'll be at a few college campuses in Denver) ministry, as 100% of my time really has to be devoted to support raising. This results in me living in a state of tension. I have to raise support in order to be on campus and do the ministry my heart is called to, yet while raising support I cannot be doing what I long to be doing.

In a time like this, it is easy to dwell in the future. To live for the next thing, not fully exist in the moment because my eyes are always forward, always on the goal.

I was chatting with God about this, praying for this support-raising process to be done soon, for Him to raise up people to contribute financially to me quickly, so I could be on campus, where I want to be.

And I was praying about it with this mindset of looking forward, living for this future goal of being at 100%, being on-campus, all my focus being on these goals. I was just telling God how I was looking forward to being done with support raising, looking forward to being where I'm "supposed to be."

And God's gracious voice came through. He said,

"Keep your eyes on Me, Katy. Not the goal, or what you perceive it to be. Keep your eyes on Me, I am the goal."

Why am I always Peter? Trying to walk by faith, but my eyes keep glancing down at my feet. Seeing those waves instead of the true goal that is Jesus. The treasure in the field, the pearl of great price, the Kingdom of Heaven and Jesus Christ. 

I look up at Jesus walking towards me, which is a beautiful thing in and of itself - that Jesus comes towards me, meets me in my broken need for a Savior. But I look at Jesus walking on those waves and I want to do it too. I ask Him to call me to great things, ask Him to call my name, ask Him to call me to live by faith. 

And then I start looking at the waves, and the trials, and the support goals that seem too high to ever reach by August, and I start to look around in a panic and I start to focus on worldly goals instead of the ultimate goal standing in front of me saying, "Come. Come to Me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest." 

As if where I would put myself is better than where God would have me be, or like wherever I'm at right now isn't the best place for me to be. God reminded me of that as well. I am always so amazed by His graciousness to show me areas of brokenness before I've burned too many bridges or destroyed myself or others. He lets me stumble and fall a lot so I can learn to let Him pick me up, but He has stopped me from falling too hard or too far. Thank goodness for grace.

So as I kept running, God followed His previous statement with a reminder, 

"Katy, I have you right where I want you to be."

Oh snap. 

Raising support. That's where He wants me. 

He knows my heart for Denver college students, because He put that passion and desire to serve there! And ultimately He does want me on campus. But not right now. Because He has me exactly where He wants me to be. He has control over time, money, people, He could have my support raised by tomorrow morning when I wake up! I'll be fully funded when God wants me fully funded, because right now, raising support and learning to look to Him is where He wants me to be. 

Walking on the waves, eyes on Him. That's where He wants me to be. 

I can't focus on the "obstacle" of support raising, or make being on campus the goal I am living for and thus not learning and growing in the place God has me. He has me walking on the waves, eyes fixed firmly on Him as He says, "Come." 

Without my eyes on Him, I will sink. 

In a place where I cannot stand alone, that's where He wants me. With my eyes on Him, totally dependent on Him. Keeping my eyes on the Savior, because He is the one that matters and He has me right where He wants me.