I Am A Rock

I am Peter.

I'm not Paul with the amazing conversion story of God-hater to willing to lay down his life for Christ.

I'm Peter.

I had this realization a few weeks ago when I was talking with my mom. I'll take a moment here to insert that moms are amazing. I don't know what I'd do, who I'd be, or what I'd believe without my mom. She is constantly for me, always there to talk, willing to listen to me ramble for literally hours, and always says she loves talking to me, even when I'm interrupting her day. She prays for me, loves me, encourages me, speaks truth to me, and I love her so, so much.

Okay, back to Peter.

So I was talking with mom last week and rambling about how inadequate I felt (check out my post about awareness of our inadequacy) and how I need to be more loving, servant-hearted, humble. I mentioned my fear of not being a loving, relational person and thus being terrible at ministry, which is what I hope to do.

And my mom graciously, but truthfully, told me that while these sounded like "good" things to be acknowledging about myself and wanting to change (I mean it's good to want to be a better person, right?), really they were just worries.

That one hit me. Because she was so, so right.

She reminded me of Peter, who was so focused on the waves he couldn't walk on the water to Jesus.

And I realized, I am Peter.

Because I am such a worrier. You wouldn't even believe how much I worry. I worry so much I got a tattoo of a sparrow from Matthew to remind me not to worry! And wouldn't you know...I still worry.

After this bit of self-revelation, I wasn't too sure I liked it. I mean Peter is great and all, but I kinda think I'd rather be like Paul. He had the amazing, miraculous conversion after being made blind and hearing God's voice and turning from a Christan-killer into being killed for being a Christian. His writing is so well-known, the books written by him are some of the most highlighted in my Bible (second to 1 John and the Psalms).

But I'm not Paul. I'm Peter.

Then I was talking to a friend a few days later about my fear of letting go completely of control of my life and fully surrendering to God. Somehow I'm afraid I'll fall, afraid I'll drown. I know in my heart and soul that Jesus can walk on water for eternity. Yet for some reason part of me is afraid that if someone as broken and heavy as I grab His hand, then we'll both start to sink and He'll let go. I know He will never sink, I know He'll never let me drown, but for some reason I'm afraid to fully accept His love and just walk on the water.

I get so wrapped up in staring at the waves and fearing to drown that I can't just look into the eyes of my Savior, grasp His outstretched hand, and surrender.

And so, again, I'm Peter.

I contemplated a bit more, however, and realized another thing. I'm actually pretty okay with being a Peter.

See, Peter used to be called Simon, until Jesus gave him the name Peter. And that new name means "the rock." Jesus called Peter the rock upon which He would build His Church.

The amazing part about this is that Jesus renamed Peter before Peter denied Jesus three times and started to sink because he stared at the waves instead of looking at Jesus. Jesus knew Peter would do these things. He knew Peter would fall and fail, betray and break. But He still called Peter "the rock."

Jesus knows us. He knows we will sin, deny Him, succumb to temptation, fall down and forget how to stand up. And yet He still chooses us to build His kingdom.

So I'm a Peter. Which means maybe, just maybe, I'm also a rock.