It's Just A Little Ink

A little bell rang as we pushed through the double glass doors and walked into the almost empty studio. I filled out the paperwork and signed my name on the dotted line as butterflies had a dance party to loud techno music in my stomach. I laid down on the table, pulled up my shirt, closed my eyes, and prepared for some pain. Apparently the tattoo took a whole hour, thankfully it didn't seem that long to me. I held my friend Dee's hand the whole time and tried to think about other things. I definitely made a few origami birds in my mind. 

The tattoo definitely hurt a lot, but it was so worth it. I got a sparrow in flight on my left side. I brought in a few pictures and Lauren, the tattoo artist, combined them. She did a wonderful job, I absolutely love it. 


You might be wondering why I chose a sparrow. It's a little complicated and a slightly extensive answer, if you want the whole thing. It means a lot of things. If someone wants a simple answer and they aren't familiar with the Bible, I stick with a simple combined meaning of freedom, love, strength, and weakness. All these things are true, but there's more. 


There are two verses in Matthew that I like a lot that mention birds. I thing some versions might say ravens, but mine (NIV) says sparrows. "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" and "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of you Father...So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."


Both verses have a few different meaningful derivatives. The first one talks about not worrying. I'm a worrier. It can be a problem at times. Sometimes it's good to make sure all the various possible negative connotations of a decision or situation have been addressed...but sometimes it can be taken a bit too far. I generally take my worries too far. For example, I feel very called to adopt kids. I've felt that way since I was about ten years old. I worry though. I worried that I'll adopt children who are difficult, and that loving them or having many of them will be an incredibly difficult life. I worried that I'll make a terrible mother. I worried that no guy would ever want to marry a girl who wanted to adopt lots of children from around the world and not actually give birth to any of them. I worried about when to adopt the kids, because if I started before I was married no one would ever want to marry a girl who already had kids, but if I waited I might never get married and then I'd have never helped children! I worried so much that one day I came to the terrifying conclusion that maybe I just shouldn't adopt any children at all! I was so worried about all the possible maybes, perhaps' and what if's, that I almost didn't want to fulfill the plan God has given my life that I am incredibly thrilled about. That's way too much worrying. I realized my life was becoming consumed by my fears and finally addressed them. I still worry, of course, but Jesus is helping me worry less and live more. That verse helps remind me that He is always in control, and that as long as I am listening, loving, and living, I'm serving His good, perfect, and pleasing plan for my life. 


The two verses also combine to remind me how great God's love for me is. He sees everything, and He cares. Each time a sparrow falls, God sees...and there are a lot of sparrows. Maybe a more modern comparison would be squirrels...they're pretty common, but God still sees each and every one of them and not one falls without His knowledge. It's always good to be reminded of His incredible love for me. It's a reminder I need daily, and now I've got it! His love is so crazy insane. I mean we are nothing. We have nothing to offer. God doesn't need us to make this world run, but He wants us. I mean I fail daily. Every single day I mess up, I sin, I fail. And every single day, even if I don't ask for it, I am forgiven and loved and wanted and held and cared for. Each tear that falls from my face saddens Him, each smile or laugh brings Him joy. He comforts me and loves me. He holds me when I'm falling apart. He strengthens me when I'm too weak to take another step. 


That reminds me of another meaning this tattoo holds for me. Another one of my favorite verses is, "My Grace is sufficient for you, My Power made perfect in weakness." As human beings we desire to be strong. We hit the gym, pump some iron, run, etc, to become physically strong. Mental strength is also desirable and commendable. People look up to the "strong people." Being a "strong person" is good. But Jesus reminds us that we are weak. We can't live this adventure on our own. Dragons (the scary ones) and fire-breathing seven-headed monsters will attack. We will come across crumbling bridges we can't cross, chasms our puny legs can't leap over, tall towers we can't scale, dark creepy forests we are terrified to tip-toe through, and thousands of places where the path breaks off, or disappears, or the map doesn't seem to be a clear guide anymore. Essentially, we cannot live this life on our own. I have to remind myself of that constantly. I write the above-mentioned verse on my hand and I pray for strength. Sparrows are small, weak birds. They aren't great, majestic, powerful, and strong eagles. They aren't ruthless vultures. They aren't beautiful creamy white swans or peaceful doves. They are small. They are ordinary. But they are beautiful, and they are loved. 


So essentially, I am weak, needy, fearful, and in dire need of love and care and comfort. Jesus provides me with strength. He loves me and holds me. He calms my fears and dries my tears. He loves me so much I could never even begin to comprehend a fragment of it. The sparrow newly adorning my side is a constant reminder of these truths I know, of strength and weakness, of love and care, of fear, and of the freedom I find in my relationship with Christ.