Blegh

I've been studying all day, literally. I mean I did sleep in pretty late and go work out, but since about 1:00 till now (almost 10) I've been doing homework. Homework is probably one of the most torturous things ever invented. I suppose if it comes in small handfuls, or at least moderately decent sizes, it's bearable. This is just way too much work. I'm in this German Culture (aka history) class. It's interesting, and I like the teacher a lot, but it's hard. I'm definitely the least-informed person in the class. Going in, all I knew about Germany was Hitler, Nazis, and BMWs. So...not a lot. Therefore, I've been doing some intense studying. We had a pop quiz in the class and let's just say I didn't do very well. I've been doing all the reading and retaining nothing. My solution was to go back through all the past readings taking detailed notes. This has taken all week. When I'm not in class I'm in my room, with the door locked, studying German history, reading a long German poem (in English), doing Russian homework, writing short analysis' of art pieces (tedious), or writing for my writing class. I finally finished most of the German reading...I'll save the Communist Manifesto for tomorrow :P Now I'm embarking on paper writing. As I'm a little out of it, and definitely not in the paper writing mood, I thought I'd blog a bit to hopefully get the creative writing juices flowing.

So yeah, the past two weeks have been pretty ehhhh. Everyone's kinda been like that. It's like we're all (boys included) PMSing...all the time (for you uninformed males, it's only supposed to last a week). I was thinking this morning about last quarter and God. Then if you'd have asked me about my relationship with Jesus a huge smile would break across my face. Filled with genuine pure joy I would tell you how Jesus is my very best friend, how I love Him and more incredibly, He loves me! I'd tell you about how He's all I need, that I want to be like Him and serve Him with my life. I'd tell you how my goal was to love and serve wholeheartedly and unselfishly. Last quarter I was just filled with happiness, true joy, in Christ.

 This quarter I'd have the same answer. I don't love Jesus less, there's just less joy in my response. I was thinking about it this morning as I lay in bed. I feel like I've lost something, or found something bad. I realized my heart is getting icy. I'm wrapping it in a freezing layer of resentment, anger, hurt, frustration, and bitterness. Instead of loving people despite their annoying tendencies, frustrating comments, or sometimes hurtful comments, I've been allowing myself to give in to Satan's temptation to just dislike people. There are a few people on my floor I'm quite frustrated with. Instead of praying for the strength to love them through this, I've just been annoyed with them. I talk about how frustrated I am with other frustrated people, and together we get more and more frustrated.

So now my prayer is that God will melt my heart. That He'll change my anger to love, or sadness for broken people. I can't have a joyful and loving relationship with God when I'm consciously living in sin. I need to be rescued, dragged from the pit I'm digging for myself and held in His loving embrace. A big part of me doesn't want to, though. I want to hold tightly to my shovel of anger and dislike and keep digging my tunnel of bad. It's dark and scary there, but the evil part of me wants it. It's easier to stay there. It's easier to just not like people. And it's far more difficult to throw down the shovel and start climbing my way out. Actually, it's impossible. I have to call up and admit that I was stupid to dig that hole and beg for a rope or arm to pull me back up.