With a Blast from the Past, What's to Come of the Future?

So the other day I found my stash of old journals, and decided the best way to spend half of my afternoon was reading them. The experience was both enlightening and discouraging, funny and sad. Many buried or nearly forgotten memories were brought back to the front of my mind. Some were great moments to re-live, others I had buried for a reason. It was good to remember, though, both good times and bad.

I rediscovered what a grumpy teenager I could be. I re-read my conversion story, and all the depression leading up to it. I found my favorite memory (http://achildlikesenseofwonder.blogspot.com/2011/09/loving-arms.html) and was thrilled to find that it actually happened as I remember, I haven't been adding to the story in the past year or so. I found the end of some friendships and realized their endings were worse than I remembered, but that I'm also definitely better off now without them.

It's good to see the good and bad parts of the past, because when you revisit those moments you get to see the elements that all combined to create the person you are now, the broken relationships, exciting discoveries, friendships, family, trips, and conversations, everything that fits together, like strings all weaving together to create you.

Some parts were a bit, initially, discouraging, though. Sometimes I write my prayers in my journal too. There was a general theme woven through years of journals. That I would be more like Christ, less prideful, more humble. Less focused on myself and more focused on others. That I would be loving, caring, and others-centered. That I would be like Jesus.

Some of the prayers I read that were written a few years ago I felt could have been written yesterday, they were still so relevant. And that was discouraging, because if I'm still praying it...that means I haven't made any progress, right? And if I haven't changed at all, then what am I doing with my life? And if I want to change so much that it has been my constant prayer for years, why haven't I changed? What am I doing wrong?

It was a very confusing, frustrating, and discouraging battle of thoughts raging through my mind. I simply didn't understand how I could want to be more like Jesus so much, which is a good thing to want, and Jesus not be helping me with that, not be changing me to be more like Him! Shouldn't He want me to be like Him? Shouldn't He want me to love others, care for others, and be more focused on others than myself? Shouldn't He want me to be more humble and less prideful? These are all good things!

But here's the conclusion I've come to. Maybe I have changed. Maybe over the years I have grown in these areas, but there will always be room for more growth. Since I'm not Jesus (clearly), and never will be, I can always be growing to be more like Him. Which means my entire life will be a journey of realizing my pride and selfishness, giving it up to Him, and begging for His help that I may be more like Him and less like me. So it might not seem like there's been any change in prayers over the past few years, and maybe the prayer is the same, but the person isn't. The prayer should continue though, because Jesus always has more work to do.