In Someone's Eyes...

Perfection is a ridiculous thing. It has no absolutes. It varies from person to person, place to place, situation to situation, etc. Nothing is ever perfect, no one is ever perfect. And sometimes I just feel like I can never be perfect or good enough to please the right people. It's a little infuriating, actually.

 At school, I'm not smart enough. I'm surrounded by kids who took as many AP classes as was humanly possible, or did IB. I didn't even know what IB was until I got to college! I'm pretty sure it isn't as popular in Missouri as it is in Colorado, or at least not in St. Louis. Who knows. Anyways. I'm the homeschooled girl who was the "guinea pig" of the family. I basically taught myself, which means that certain subjects went great, like math or science (though I still hate them :P) and other classes, like history, were awful. I don't remember anything historically based. I mean if someone handed you a boringly written history textbook and said "read it," would you learn much? Maybe so, but I definitely didn't! So at DU, I feel pretty dumb the vast majority of the time. Because of my schooling, which wasn't bad, it just wasn't as well-rounded as it could have been, there's a lot I don't know, socially, historically, politically, etc. I'm smart when it comes to logic or common-sense, just not books or fact-based knowledge. So at school, I always feel majorly inferior. And people assume that since I'm "just an art major" I don't know anything, like I picked art because I sucked at everything else or wasn't smart enough to do anything else. Being blonde doesn't help my case. I was talking with someone once and mentioned that I'd graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA, he was literally shocked. I got through my first year of college with only one B (and the rest some form of A) in all three quarters at DU, but I'm still not smart enough at college, I still don't know enough, I'm not good enough.

And then at home, I'm too smart. I finally got my grades last night. I was expecting a B in Russian. I honestly have no clue how on earth I have an A in that class. I got B's on nearly every test! I must have passed the final exam with an A and gotten extra points for always turning in homework, who knows? So anyways, I was sitting in the living room when I checked the grades for final quarter and mom, dad, and Megan were around. So I told them what I'd gotten in my classes, expressing genuine surprise at my final grade in Russian. I would have been happy with a B, Russian is hard, and that's what I was expecting all quarter. Actually I was fearing I'd get a C in the class, due to my test scores. Anyways. There wasn't really much happiness for my good grades. Instead the response, especially from Megan, was a kinda snotty "of course you got good grades. How could you not get good grades?" And on and on, it was actually embarrassing (one of my friends was over). Like I was too smart. Like of course I did well, like it was a bad thing that I got good grades. By the end I was hardcore wishing I'd gotten worse grades in my first year of college.

So at DU, I'm too dumb. At home, I'm too smart. There doesn't seem to be a balance. I'm never perfect enough. Perfection is ridiculous, because it is impossible. You will always fall short in someone's eyes, or your own. I think it is good to recognize, realize, and accept this fact. Nothing and no one is perfect. Ever. Fact of life. But way too often people search for and strive for perfection. There's nothing wrong with striving for perfection in the sense that you are simply being and doing the best that you are capable of. The problem arises when you can't accept that perfection is impossible. When all your life is focused on attempting to achieve something that can never be accomplished.

The world puts too much focus on being perfect. It would be better to focus on being the best you can be. Working hard to accomplish reasonable goals. But enjoying and living and loving life along the way. The world's a messed up place, but it's still wonderful and beautiful. Joy and love and peace can be found if you search for them. And you don't have to search very far. It's all around us. The world isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, things aren't perfect. But there's still good. You just have to appreciate the good while understanding and accepting that life will never be perfect and there will always be bad things. Look around and appreciate the wonders of the world. Find beauties in the imperfections, beauty in the decay. It's there, if you can see it. Look closer, open your eyes and see the world.