Insecureabilities and Fearfullnesses

Yeah, I know those aren't words. I just didn't feel like using legitimate words, it's so much more fun to make them up!

I stumbled upon this quote yesterday, and it was eerily relevant to where I am in life right now...crazy how that happens sometimes...

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”

As I've said before...I'm a bit of a worrier. I'm also insecure, and have trust issue. I think the trust issues are definitely valid. I've lost pretty much every friend I've ever had. They just...leave. I think I've written about this before too! It's not so much that I expect everyone in my life to leave, it's just that I'm aware of the distinct possibility that many of the friends I know and love may, at a certain point, cease to be friends with me. History tends to repeat itself. I don't know what it is about me, but I don't seem to give people a desire to stick around. And maybe I've just known a lot of crappy people. Or maybe I am the common denominator. I don't know what to change though (if there's something I do that makes you hate my guts, let me know so I can change it purty please).

The result of this is that I'm often in a state of fear or worry that I've done something wrong. If someone is especially quiet that day, I assume they're upset with me. A friend isn't texting back, I'm afraid I've said something wrong, annoyed them, or just generally screwed up. This results in a lot of apologies. Sorry if you've been on the receiving end of them.

It's not that I'm a people pleaser exactly. I'm just...tired of being hurt. Another result of this is a lot of worry about the friendships I currently have. They're all going great, and I have amazing friends here, but there's always this fear in the back of my mind, this little nagging voice quietly wondering, "so when are they going to leave?"

It can make me a bit insecure too. I look around and wonder what is wrong with me, why have I lost so many friends. What do I do or say or not do or say that makes people not want to be my friend? I compare myself to other people, become a silly insecure mess, and it all goes downhill. That doesn't happen that often. Now I sound really pathetic :P I promise I'm not that lame. These insecurities and fears are usually more of tiny voices in the back of my mind, not overbearing screaming thoughts.

So while I'm sitting around comparing myself to all the people who are far superior to me, I gotta stop and remember some important thing. Most importantly, and cheesily of course, I'm sorry, is love. And you know me, Jesus' love. I've got that. He loves me no matter what, and He'll never leave! In addition to that, I have my family. And, despite their many annoying features, they're really pretty awesome! I was reminded of that when Megan came to visit this past week. Of course we had our few (very small) disagreements, but she's my best friend. She'll be here for me whenever and whatever, because she's my sister and we love each other. That's a great thought :)

And then there's the quote above. Yeah it kinda sucks, but it's a good reminder. Sometimes people do just suck, and they don't care, and they do leave. And that hurts and is awful and induces many tears, but it's life. It's better to keep living, not take up all your time dwelling in past or failing relationships and trying to force people to stay who don't want to be there. If people love you, they love you. It's mutual. You both make sacrifices, you both have space for each other. And if people don't really love you, then no matter how many thousands of miles of heart-space you save for them, they won't stay for long, if at all. So it's better to keep living and loving everyone, but save room for the people who want it.