Peter Doubted and I'm Afraid

Irrational, adj: illogical, senseless.

A few synonyms include preposterous, unreasonable, unsound, invalid, silly, brainless, unwise, disconnected, and disjointed. Though I feel as though "illogical" and "senseless" pretty efficiently sum up the meaning of the word.

Recently I've been struck by a bout of highly irrational stress and fear, which has taught me quite a great deal.

In the course of my life I've watched God move and act in my own life and in the lives of others. I've seen Him provide for friends, family, and myself in incredible ways. I've truly seen Him act in line with Ephesians 3:20, doing "immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine." Yet somehow I'm still afraid.

I trust God. I know He can do incredible, miraculous things. I know this truth so fully, I believe it with all my heart.

But when I'm really honest, when I truly look past the facades and walls, I'm still afraid. Despite knowing that God is our Provider and Protector, that He is loving, just, and merciful, I'm afraid He won't act, I'm afraid He won't provide. Not that He can't, that He won't. Like I'm so afraid He will choose not to provide that I can't fully trust Him to provide. Preposterous, unreasonable, unsound.

I have watched God work to bring me to the places in life I am now. I have watched Him provide finances, housing, support, love, care, through Himself and through others. Yet I'm still afraid He won't provide. But at the same time I process these fears, I recognize how irrational and illogical they are! I know in my heart and mind that God provides, that He will provide, yet there's this other part of me that's so afraid He won't that I'm still trying to work it all out on my own. And I'm frustrated with myself because I know how senseless and silly these thoughts are. I know they're illogical, I know they're invalid, I know they're brainless and unwise. But my mind still goes there, I still run along the trail of "what if?" and the "what if" is, "What if God doesn't work, what if God doesn't provide?"

The result of this frustration is that I have been so angry with myself. I can lay out all the facts and feelings and know full well that I am being irrational. Yet the feelings of fear don't subside and the facts of who God truly is, a Provider and Protector, don't diminish, and I'm still left in this place of confusion.

Because here's what I've begun to teach myself, a teaching I must unlearn. Somehow I've convinced myself it isn't okay to have fears or doubts. That if I'm struggling or fearful, I'm doing "badly," and when life is unicorns and rainbows and I'm dancing through the streets with stars strapped to my ankles I'm doing "well" and everything is fine and dandy. And so I start to feel guilty. I feel like I'm unworthy of approaching God because I'm doubting His goodness and that He'll provide. And when I'm feeling guilty and unworthy I retreat. And so I draw farther from God by my own doing, not His (because He doesn't change how He feels about us, we change how we feel about Him), and then I start not having as close of a relationship with Him, because I've pulled away. But instead of recognizing this I start to tell myself the untruth that He's stepping away from me because of my doubt and fear and doing "badly," when in reality, it's of my own creation.

And so I'm slowly learning that it is okay for me to fear. It is okay for me to question. It is even okay for me to doubt. And when these things happen it does not mean I am doing "badly." Faith isn't a straight track up to Heaven with no stops, turns, bumps, or bends. It's actually a roller-coaster, full of ups and downs and round-abouts and that is okay.

The "greats" in the Bible all doubted. Peter denied Christ three times. Paul was murdering Christians before He saw the light on the road to Damascus. We all doubt, deny, fear, and question. These ups and downs do not define our faith or how "well" we are doing in our Christian walk. They mean we are living, we are not stagnant and complacent, we are seeking and searching and so sometimes fear and doubt are okay. The key, however, is to not remain in these places of questioning, but to take those fears and questions to God and place them before His throne. Because His throne is one of beauty and grace. This grace means my relationship with God, how "well" I am doing is not determined by what I do, but by what Christ has done! Ups and downs do not change the way God sees me. I may be pulling away from Him because of my own fear of unworthiness. He does not pull away from me, because I am completely worthy I His eyes, no matter what. Not because of who I am or anything I have or have not done, but because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross.

When Peter thrice denied Jesus, Jesus did not see Peter any differently. This huge low for Peter did not change the love Christ felt for him. Jesus still looked him in the eye and said, "I love you, more than you can ever imagine or comprehend. I'm dying for you. That's how much I love you." And the beauty is that He says that to each and every one of us. When I am afraid, He doesn't look at me with disdain or disappointment, regardless of how irrational or illogical these fears may be. He gently reminds me of all He has done, and invites me to watch Him provide again, to make more memories with Him.

And so, once more, I learn about grace, and experience it's beauty as Jesus walks beside me as I face my fears.