Maybe It's Okay To Be A Little Abnormal

When you have very strong feelings about something but not a lot of factual, statistical, or informational knowledge about it, things can get a little complicated. Or you can just generally feel a bit uninformed and like your beliefs are shallowly rooted in nothing secure.

That's how I often find myself feeling about Jesus. I believe in Him so strongly, so fully, so completely. There is not a doubt in my mind about who He is, what He did, and whether or not He existed. I know these things based on what I've learned from the Bible, from who I've gotten to know in the years of my relationship with Him, through the stories I've heard from other believers, the books I've read, and my own feelings and experiences.

But sometimes I feel like I should know more. Sometimes I feel silly and dumb, like a schoolgirl who has a crush on a pop star because they're hot, not because of any real admirable qualities or knowledge about the individual.

I've had numerous conversations where people are genuinely surprised I'm interested in anything theological or rhetoric/debate-related. I guess my piercings, tattoo, and the rather pale shade of my hair mean I'm too dumb or shallow to actually think through my beliefs?

But that's a whole 'nother issue to be dealt with at another point in time...anyways.

So while I have thought, read, and reasoned as well as prayed, felt, and experienced my way to the beliefs and ideals I hold today, I've always felt a bit theologically off-balance. Like I missed some of the "key" information that most other kids raised in Christian families got.

While I know what I believe, I couldn't really classify by denomination or theological terms the beliefs I hold. I'm actually not entirely sure what the beliefs of all the various denominations are, though I know some generalities, primarily the differences between Catholic and Protestant.

I think part of this is because my youth group at church was very ministry and outreach based. It served a lot of kids from broken homes who didn't know much about Jesus at all. Youth group was more the basics of believing in Jesus, rather than going deep into theology or the more complicated, debated, or sometimes controversial issues of the Bible. My small groups were more relational and how-to-get-through-high-school-and-be-a-Godly-girl focused, you don't discuss theology at girl's group - you talk about boys! (Jesus included)

And while I (usually) listed in church, they didn't put labels or classifications on the theological concepts preached, probably because there was a base understanding that if you were there, you knew the tenants of Presbyterianism and the theological ideals it was based upon.

And I think my parents just didn't think to teach me that kinda stuff. They taught me about God, the Bible, and raised me with good values and morals, same as I'll do with my kids.

So to be honest, sometimes, actually a lot, I've felt rather insecure about this. Until recently, when I realized that, as so often happens, our insecurities and struggles are blessings in disguise.

I was talking with a friend about reformed theology, and realized I actually had no idea what that entailed. I know I sound super dumb right now, but bear with me! As she explained some of the differences, I found myself camping out in no-man's-land with my own ideology.

For example, she explained reformed theology (which I grew up in at New City Fellowship, a Presbyterian church) teaches predestination of man and the absolute control and sovereignty of God. And while I haven't figured out the whole predestination dealio, I'm pretty on board with a totally sovereign God.

So then I guess whatever the opposite end of the spectrum is grounded in free will, experiencing God, feelings, and a more spiritual approach. And I believe in free will and the few times I've truly felt God's presence and heard His voice have been the most beautiful, precious moments of my life.

It reminds me of this book I'm reading. There are five "qualities" and at a certain age, you choose one. The Abnegation people are selfless, the Erudite intelligent, the Amity peaceful, the Candor honest, and the Dauntless brave. As with any good story, of course there is someone who strays from the ordinary and therein the story lies. Normally people are automatically drawn to one of these camps and when they're old enough they take a test that helps determine where belong. A few people's aptitude tests fail to place them, these people could pick from a number of the groups and fit in just fine, they are called the divergent (also the name of the book, incase you wanted to read it. I liked it, it's a lot like the Hunger Games).

I feel a bit like that, divergent. I couldn't pick one of these theologies as where most of my beliefs and ideology fit. For a second, I felt down about this. Typical me, not fitting in, what's wrong with me? Why is something always wrong with me?

Until I realized, that actually this is better. I wasn't told what to believe about God, I figured out what I believed for myself. Like if you didn't know the names of the vegetables, so you didn't know which was broccoli, which were peppers, or the color of a carrot, so you figured out if you liked broccoli on your own, rather than deciding you didn't like it simply because so many other kids don't.

I believe in a sovereign God who has power and control, who does things in this world. I believe God plays a part in our lives, I believe He calls us to certain lifestyles and choices, guides our steps, watches out for us, picks us up when we fall. But I also believe that as much as there is a plan, we choose whether or not we are going to follow that plan. I believe we make choices about where we go and who we are, we decide whether we want to be who God wants us to be, or who we want to be, and that the best situation is when we want to be whoever God wants us to be and our hearts collide. I believe God loves us. I believe He wants us. I believe He cares and provides for His children. I believe He knows best, even when we often think He isn't even looking, much less actually watching out for us.

I don't believe in one theology. I can't classify my thoughts. I don't fit in one mold. I believe the Bible. I believe in adventuring and exploring life through God-lenses and a Jesus-perspective. And most of all, I believe in love, grace, brokenness, and a beautiful, awesome, powerful, great Jesus.