Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Lies and Miscommunications

We all do it. A few words here, a few words there. Spoken in slightly lower-than-normal tones, possibly behind a few backs. Just a few words, they won't hurt. A few words turn into monologues, novels, but still, what harm can a few words really do. No one will know. It's just between me and you. 

I've gotta get this off my chest. I've got to tell someone. I can't believe this happened, they did that, they said such-and-such, I can't keep this knowledge, these thoughts in my mind any longer. I'll just tell one person. And it'll stop there. 

We've all said that. We've all done it. We talk and slander, go behind backs and say things we don't mean, or share secrets that we should never have even known. And the words go round and round, circling and growing with each re-telling. Like a giant game of telephone, the message changes with each person. 

And people get hurt. No matter how many times we loudly proclaim it'll never get past this person, it does. Someone misunderstands, doesn't know it was a "secret." Or feels that the information, however private it was, is too important to keep to themselves. Or what you thought you said someone interpreted differently, negatively, and that message is transformed as well. 

It's hard to be on the receiving end of these situations. It hurts to hear people talking about you when they think you can't hear, or find out they were from whoever they were talking to. It's hard to have your own words misrepresented, or words you shouldn't have spoken passed along, causing pain and confusion. It hurts when someone you thought you could trust to keep things private passes them along, resulting in conflict and feelings unintentionally hurt. Unwanted drama ensues, just as undesirable as the pain and complication. 

All these situations have taught me. It's taught me to guard my tongue, I've learned what it feels like and how I could potentially be hurting other with words I haven't thought through, gossip I have failed to tame. I've felt the betrayal and the pain, experienced the drama, the whispered words and spoken secrets. 

It's that last one that has been teaching me the most recently. 

When someone near and dear hurts you, it's like those cuts with a knife so sharp it doesn't even hurt at first, the gash made so quickly, till you realize what just happened, blood starts to seep from the wound, the pain causing tears and a scream in the back of your throat. 

But you love that person. This is no ordinary fight with a semi-good friend or acquaintance that isn't worth the fight to fix, so the relationship ends and you're hurt for a few days and then it's okay. There's a scrape, that takes time and bandages and Neosporin to heal, but no lasting scars, the bumps and bruises heal and you're okay, stronger, in fact. No. This is someone you can't lose, can't just be mad at, yell at, ignore, and be done with. 

You have to fix it. Things must be made right, betrayal forgiven and love cover the pain and heal the wounds. And while this in and of itself is hard, it's possible with talking through the issues, maybe fighting some more, maybe some yelling, but eventually apologies and forgiveness and trust rebuilt. Hard, but possible, not easy, but doable. 

But when there's no sorrow on the part of this person near and dear, or worse no inclination to even admit to having wronged you...well, hard just became running a marathon on a sweltering day with no water. 

Let's say you get through forgiveness. Maybe that wasn't even hard. You aren't mad at them, just hurt, and you've forgiven them though they didn't say sorry like all our parents taught us to do when we were young. 

But let's be honest here, it's still hard. Or at least it is for me. I can forgive, I won't stay mad for too long, but I'm hurt. Part of me wants to be the sad, kicked puppy with big sorrowful puppy eyes who mopes around, being the "bigger person" who forgave them, but still desperately wants them to apologize, to recognize what they did to me, and eventually to make wrongs right. 

I had a friend years and years ago who hurt me very deeply. For a number of years I just hated her, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's the truth. Eventually I said I'd forgiven her, but when I thought about her the anger rose up again like bile in my throat. Finally I did forgive her, at least I think I did, but I still wanted her to know she'd broken my heart, ripped away my ability to trust friends, that I'd felt alone and abandoned for years because of her. I couldn't let go of that. I just wanted her to know, hoped she'd say sorry, but at least wanted her to know what she'd done and feel some sort of remorse. And looking back, I think desiring that meant I hadn't really forgiven her.

That's the hard part. Forgive and forget. Move on and truly love that person despite what they've done. Actually be the bigger person by not only forgiving, but also putting aside your own pain and reaching out and loving that person. 

And that's how I've been learning more about grace in the past week. 

I wanted to stay hurt, to show my pain, to just explain how hurt and betrayed I felt, to say I'd forgiven, but I wasn't ready to forget. But I realized I needed to just move on, to pretend nothing had happened and keep loving, keep serving, put my own interests aside and care instead of continuing to nurse my own cuts and bruises. And as I thought more about it, I realized how hard that was, and the word that came to mind as I thought about it was "grace." 

Forgiving and forgetting. Giving someone more than they deserve. Loving when I hadn't been loved, serving when I'd been betrayed. 

Sound familiar yet? 

That's what I am given every single day. Grace, a beautiful, free gift of love I could never deserve. I receive care, love, provision, even when I'm gossiping, prideful, selfish, angry, false. Even when I'm unwilling to recognize my failings and sin, unwilling to confess, repent, and change, I am loved. I am loved. I am not condemned, I am not punished, I am not greeted with sorrowful puppy eyes and a refusal to listen and love until I say sorry. I am loved. Freely, beautifully, perfectly, gracefully. 

And that is what I've been learning about grace. It's been freely given to me, and I shall freely give it to others. And I will fail as I try to love others freely, and I will be selfish and prideful and wounded puppy, and I will be forgiven, given grace myself, and the strength and ability to go on loving, to ask forgiveness when I sin against someone and give them forgiveness when they sin against me. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness." 

Grace, beautiful grace.

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