I've been discovering, realizing, and understanding a lot more about myself, and to be honest, I don't really like the person I'm finding.
This "self-discovery," which in actuality is God-led-realization-of-my-sinful-nature, has revealed a lot of ugly underneath the well-kept facade of put-together I try to keep firmly in place.
Getting to know yourself can be a scary thing. It's why we hate being alone so much. What will be there, in the quiet emptiness? Will we find our true selves? God? Nothing? Being truly alone you are forced to face the truth, whatever the truth may be.
I've been learning the truth about myself, which I was happily hiding underneath my good qualities and the good things in my life.
I would like to think I'm a generally servant-hearted, others-centered, caring, etc, person. But I'm not. I'm far more prideful, selfish, and overall broken than I realized. This isn't being said out of self-pity or self-deprecation, I've done enough of that in my life already. I know I know I have good qualities as a person, but often I like to just see those and give myself credit for them, pat myself on the back for being a "good person" and move on without seeing the bad too. And that is just one example of ugly pride rearing its head, which is the brokenness I don't want to admit. That's me relying on me, instead of giving it up and relying on God.
As I've been relying on myself, giving myself credit for my strength instead of attributing the creator of goodness, grace, mercy, and love, I've been building a wall around myself. This wall is made up of all the things I want people to see when they look at me - interests, clothing style, major, hobbies, lifestyle, faith, passions, you name it. I've built up a big brick wall of facade that lets people know a lot of me - I include some of my brokenness, but only the things I think don't make me look too bad - but not all of me. By doing this, I've started to put pressure on myself to be the person portrayed in the wall, because that is who people know, that is who people love, that is who I have to be. And that has caused me so much pain and cornered me into making so many bad decisions.
That wall is me saying I can build this life on my own. And it is me saying that whoever God made me to be is not enough. And ultimately that is me saying that God is not enough, because it is me saying that the perceptions and affections of others are more important that the way God sees me, how God feels about me.
The truth is that I am not enough on my own, because I am the broken person I get to know more and more of everyday. BUT, I am enough, because my brokenness is covered by more grace and love than I can ever fathom, and though Christ my weakness is made into strength, and through Christ's perfection my broken self becomes enough.
Ultimately, if all you have is God, then you have everything you could ever need. God is so much more than enough. His love is so much more filling than anything or anyone else in the world.
My wall is still very much a reality. I've torn parts down and hastily rebuilt them more times than I can count. But at least I know the wall is there, and I am seeing and understanding more and more each day that the walls must come down, because realistically people probably would like the real me more than the one I try to be. And even if they didn't, it doesn't matter.
I have God. And God is all I need.
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