Don't Look Down, Close Your Eyes, and Hold on Tight

Sometimes my life is such a roller-coaster. Not with events and such, but emotionally. Emotionally, I am a roller-coaster. Also, I'm tired a lot, which adds to the emotional highs and lows. Anyways.

So I guess I've been thinking a lot. Well, I'm always thinking. I think too much. Sometimes it's a really bad thing, I start thinking about something and it snowballs and suddenly a slightly-bad situation that could have been turned into something kinda goodish becomes the biggest tragedy of my life where I have no friends, everyone hates me, my life sucks, I suck, and clearly the world is going to end quite soon. Granted, that is a bit of an over-exaggeration, but still, it happens.

One of my recent roller-coasters has been friends and friendships. Some people are so on-and-off. One minute or day or situation or state-of-mind you're great friends, but then the next moment they aren't talking to you at all. And every time I start to accept that the friendship simply isn't there anymore, or isn't what I thought it was, or maybe they really just don't like me in the least, and I've accepted that fact and started to move on...something happens or is said to change it all back. Suddenly I have to re-address all the issues in my mind, or try all over again to figure out if we're friends or not. It's very confusing, really. And everything I just said is super confusing because it was all so vague. My sincere apologies. But that's so up and down. And it forces me to deal with a lot of issues and insecurities I have. I've lost a lot of friends, and I never can figure out why. People just generally leave me. It's something I've had to come to accept. It is hard, but I feel like I'm a stronger person because of these lost and broken relationships. I'm also much less trustworthy and far more insecure. So it takes more for me to really care for someone and trust them with that love, and then hurts a lot more when/if they leave. I'm also more sensitive and fearful of people leaving. This causes me to blow situations way out of proportion at times. Also highly problematic. So yeah, I've had a lot of friendships this summer that didn't/aren't going as planned, or have changed, or simply aren't there anymore, or are just super confusing. It's really been a struggle, but it's been good. It forces me to place more trust in Jesus, which is something I've been struggling with more lately.

I was at church on Sunday and tons of parts of the worship and sermon were very applicable to my life and current issues. It was great. There was this one line of a song that was something like, "friends may fail me, foes assail me, but Jesus makes me whole..." and it just really applied to where I am right now with all the friendship stuff. That was very encouraging.

Church has been difficult too, though. The New City Fellowship I knew and loved doesn't seem to be here anymore. I know a lot of it is that it's summer, and they're currently transitioning from one big service to two smaller services and at different times. All the same, the church is pretty empty, and the passion I once felt I can't seem to find in the same way. It's been hard going from the great group I have in Passage at Denver United. There's so much fellowship and love and living together in the Body of Christ. I don't have that here.

I used to think that Christian fellowship, while good and encouraging and wonderful, wasn't as important as it really is. I understand now how absolutely essential this fellowship is. I can see in myself a difference. I read my Bible less, I don't live as passionately as I did. I pray tons, but when I step back and think about it, those prayers far more often focus on me and my struggles, my concerns, my issues, my requests and less on Jesus, His desires, His will, His plan, His calling for my life, and living a life worthy and honoring of Him. That's a problem. That isn't how I want to be. That isn't me. That isn't who I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to live, what I'm supposed to do. Almost every time I go for a run I listen to my "jesusmusic" playlist on my iPod. Quite honestly, that's some of the best worship time I have had the entire time being home. Right now, New City simply is not the place for me. Although this Sunday's message was good for me to hear, generally speaking I am simply not growing there. I feel myself shrinking. Receding back into a little shell of selfish Katy-ness. In this place I spend more time thinking about myself, my needs, my wants, and my insecurities than I ever should. Bad, bad, bad. I don't want to be that way!

On Sunday, Tony talked in his sermon about how we're called to inhabit the world in a different way. I definitely needed to hear/be reminded of that. But I also think that's part of why it has been so difficult as far as my walk with Jesus has been going this summer. In school I had a wonderful support system. Between small groups, Young Life, Cru, Passage, Denver United, and my Christian friends, I frequently was in the company of, or in contact with, people who also felt called to inhabit this world differently. Here I often feel like I'm doing in on my own. Living a life that is true to God isn't exactly easy. Actually, it's really hard. It's worth it, more worth it than anything you could ever imagine, but it's hard. It's so difficult in fact, it can't be done alone. A life for Jesus can only be lived with His help. He's the only one that can get me through the day. He's the one that holds me up when I'm too weak to stand, and that is far more often that I frequently care to admit.

And right now, I need a lot of support. When I think about it, I've been spending way too much time focused on me. If I'm only thinking about me and my own personal comfort, I've missed the picture, I've missed the point of salvation and redemption. I wasn't saved, Jesus didn't die for me, so I could sit on my butt having frequent pity parties and wishing that life were easier. First of all, in perspective, my life is pretty easy. And in all reality, I am not the center of my world. I'm not the center, and it's not even my world. The center is Jesus, and my purpose and calling in His great land is to live for Him. That purpose encompasses sharing His love, mercy, compassion, justice, and grace with those around me.

The world is tempting. Some days I just want to be able to do anything and everything. Not worry about sin because I don't care if I do because I live for me. Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to give in, give up, stop living for Him. When I'm at a party and everyone's drinking, sometimes it is really tempting. Not to get wasted, just to have a drink or two. Loosen up, have a good time. Everyone's doing it, why not? Wouldn't it be great just to have a few hours of literally caring nothing about what anyone thinks. Being so carefree and open, uninhibited and whatever about everything. It would be so easy. And no one would ever know, right? It can be so tempting. But I have to remember, that if I give in to the short-lived and short-term pleasures of right here and now, things that I know aren't right for me, I'm missing the calling. I'm missing the point. I'm not living differently, I'm not living in the light. It's hard, but it's worth it. Cuz living for Jesus...well..."it's better than life!"