When I go back and read old journal entries, old blog posts, I feel like my life is just one big cycle of repeated lessons, struggles, and re-discoveries.
For all the times I have written about surrendering, all the times I have prayed about learning to trust, all the realizations that my stresses, fears, worries, and freak-outs are rooted in my need to let go and trust Jesus, I still can't seem to learn that lesson.
I have watched God provide for me and others So. Many. Times. I have seen so many friends raise support for mission trips and watch the money pour in the day before their flights leave. I've heard so many stories of God's provision, whether it be meeting monetary needs, relationship needs, food, clothes, you name it.
And I've seen God provide for me time and time again, in big and little ways! The biggest example of His provision was with my student loans. I received far more financial aid from my college than I'd expected, and was actually refunded money each quarter for the last four quarters of my time in college. Because of this I was able to pay off a portion of my student loans, allowing me to apply to be on staff with Cru, something I had previously thought I would have to wait years for until I'd worked and paid off loans. Even on a smaller scale, as I've been back in St. Louis for winter break, I wanted to work out at a gym. I was able to get free passes to a local gym for a whole month! Even in little things like me wanting to work out, I've been able to see God provide for my needs (and wants).
Yet I still worry, I still get stressed out, and honestly I'm still afraid. With my new job with Cru, I have to raise support, which means that for awhile, until I've raised sufficient funds, I'm not sure where money will come from to pay rent, and that scares the crap out of me.
I sit there and tell myself over and over all the ways I've seen God provide for me and so many others around the world. I try to use that knowledge to blast away the fears, but instead of dissipating, that scared little part of me that is so worried about not having money to pay rent just retreats into a corner and stays afraid, waiting to creep back up in a moment of vulnerability and reduce me to tears in the bathroom (no that didn't happen this afternoon. Nope, definitely not).
But I know who God is. I know His love, grace, and provision. I know that He is a kind, loving Father who provides for the needs of His children. I trust Him completely with my entire life. I know God is good, and that everything He does is for His glory, which is our good, out of His deep, unfathomable love. I know that despite my brokenness and failures, He has never loved me more or less than he does at this moment.I trust and know these things, and I honestly cannot wait to see how God provides.
I know that my journey of raising support is something that will bring me closer to Him and allow me to trust Him more deeply, and I am beyond pumped to grow stronger in my faith, to see His strength cover my weakness. But in spite of all that, it would be a lie for me to say the fear is gone. I trust God, I love Him and know His love for me, but I'm still afraid.
At the end of the day, I suppose all I can do is, like the father in Mark, say to Jesus, "Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief."
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