True Beauty

Honestly, my sister is one of the most beautiful people I know. I mean she's smart, funny, great to be around, kind, and loving. Plus she has great personal style (I'd like to think I contributed/influenced that at least a little) and she's simply stunningly gorgeous and unbelievably beautiful :) Here are some of the pictures from a photoshoot I did of her in Nashville.

Don't Look Down, Close Your Eyes, and Hold on Tight

Sometimes my life is such a roller-coaster. Not with events and such, but emotionally. Emotionally, I am a roller-coaster. Also, I'm tired a lot, which adds to the emotional highs and lows. Anyways.

So I guess I've been thinking a lot. Well, I'm always thinking. I think too much. Sometimes it's a really bad thing, I start thinking about something and it snowballs and suddenly a slightly-bad situation that could have been turned into something kinda goodish becomes the biggest tragedy of my life where I have no friends, everyone hates me, my life sucks, I suck, and clearly the world is going to end quite soon. Granted, that is a bit of an over-exaggeration, but still, it happens.

One of my recent roller-coasters has been friends and friendships. Some people are so on-and-off. One minute or day or situation or state-of-mind you're great friends, but then the next moment they aren't talking to you at all. And every time I start to accept that the friendship simply isn't there anymore, or isn't what I thought it was, or maybe they really just don't like me in the least, and I've accepted that fact and started to move on...something happens or is said to change it all back. Suddenly I have to re-address all the issues in my mind, or try all over again to figure out if we're friends or not. It's very confusing, really. And everything I just said is super confusing because it was all so vague. My sincere apologies. But that's so up and down. And it forces me to deal with a lot of issues and insecurities I have. I've lost a lot of friends, and I never can figure out why. People just generally leave me. It's something I've had to come to accept. It is hard, but I feel like I'm a stronger person because of these lost and broken relationships. I'm also much less trustworthy and far more insecure. So it takes more for me to really care for someone and trust them with that love, and then hurts a lot more when/if they leave. I'm also more sensitive and fearful of people leaving. This causes me to blow situations way out of proportion at times. Also highly problematic. So yeah, I've had a lot of friendships this summer that didn't/aren't going as planned, or have changed, or simply aren't there anymore, or are just super confusing. It's really been a struggle, but it's been good. It forces me to place more trust in Jesus, which is something I've been struggling with more lately.

I was at church on Sunday and tons of parts of the worship and sermon were very applicable to my life and current issues. It was great. There was this one line of a song that was something like, "friends may fail me, foes assail me, but Jesus makes me whole..." and it just really applied to where I am right now with all the friendship stuff. That was very encouraging.

Church has been difficult too, though. The New City Fellowship I knew and loved doesn't seem to be here anymore. I know a lot of it is that it's summer, and they're currently transitioning from one big service to two smaller services and at different times. All the same, the church is pretty empty, and the passion I once felt I can't seem to find in the same way. It's been hard going from the great group I have in Passage at Denver United. There's so much fellowship and love and living together in the Body of Christ. I don't have that here.

I used to think that Christian fellowship, while good and encouraging and wonderful, wasn't as important as it really is. I understand now how absolutely essential this fellowship is. I can see in myself a difference. I read my Bible less, I don't live as passionately as I did. I pray tons, but when I step back and think about it, those prayers far more often focus on me and my struggles, my concerns, my issues, my requests and less on Jesus, His desires, His will, His plan, His calling for my life, and living a life worthy and honoring of Him. That's a problem. That isn't how I want to be. That isn't me. That isn't who I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to live, what I'm supposed to do. Almost every time I go for a run I listen to my "jesusmusic" playlist on my iPod. Quite honestly, that's some of the best worship time I have had the entire time being home. Right now, New City simply is not the place for me. Although this Sunday's message was good for me to hear, generally speaking I am simply not growing there. I feel myself shrinking. Receding back into a little shell of selfish Katy-ness. In this place I spend more time thinking about myself, my needs, my wants, and my insecurities than I ever should. Bad, bad, bad. I don't want to be that way!

On Sunday, Tony talked in his sermon about how we're called to inhabit the world in a different way. I definitely needed to hear/be reminded of that. But I also think that's part of why it has been so difficult as far as my walk with Jesus has been going this summer. In school I had a wonderful support system. Between small groups, Young Life, Cru, Passage, Denver United, and my Christian friends, I frequently was in the company of, or in contact with, people who also felt called to inhabit this world differently. Here I often feel like I'm doing in on my own. Living a life that is true to God isn't exactly easy. Actually, it's really hard. It's worth it, more worth it than anything you could ever imagine, but it's hard. It's so difficult in fact, it can't be done alone. A life for Jesus can only be lived with His help. He's the only one that can get me through the day. He's the one that holds me up when I'm too weak to stand, and that is far more often that I frequently care to admit.

And right now, I need a lot of support. When I think about it, I've been spending way too much time focused on me. If I'm only thinking about me and my own personal comfort, I've missed the picture, I've missed the point of salvation and redemption. I wasn't saved, Jesus didn't die for me, so I could sit on my butt having frequent pity parties and wishing that life were easier. First of all, in perspective, my life is pretty easy. And in all reality, I am not the center of my world. I'm not the center, and it's not even my world. The center is Jesus, and my purpose and calling in His great land is to live for Him. That purpose encompasses sharing His love, mercy, compassion, justice, and grace with those around me.

The world is tempting. Some days I just want to be able to do anything and everything. Not worry about sin because I don't care if I do because I live for me. Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to give in, give up, stop living for Him. When I'm at a party and everyone's drinking, sometimes it is really tempting. Not to get wasted, just to have a drink or two. Loosen up, have a good time. Everyone's doing it, why not? Wouldn't it be great just to have a few hours of literally caring nothing about what anyone thinks. Being so carefree and open, uninhibited and whatever about everything. It would be so easy. And no one would ever know, right? It can be so tempting. But I have to remember, that if I give in to the short-lived and short-term pleasures of right here and now, things that I know aren't right for me, I'm missing the calling. I'm missing the point. I'm not living differently, I'm not living in the light. It's hard, but it's worth it. Cuz living for Jesus...well..."it's better than life!"

Campfires and Calm

So last weekend I went on a float trip. I've never been on a float trip before, and I haven't been camping in years. It was awesome. Honestly, it was probably one of the best weekends of my entire life. I went with a whole bunch of people from the pool I lifeguard at. The absolutely wonderful thing about that job is that it's more than a job, it's a life in and of itself. We're pretty much all a family (with a few awkward second and third cousins who are never around thrown in the mix). People hang out with each other outside of work, have parties, and go on float trips. I almost didn't go. I was afraid it would be awkward because, though I love everyone at work dearly, none of my super close friends were going. So instead of hanging out with brothers and sisters, it would be more like cousins. But I'm so glad I went! It was awesome. I'm not even really sure how to explain why it was so fun. I think it was just carefree. Floating down a river, the water cool and the sun hot. The rocks were slippery, covered in algae and fuzz. We sang and laughed, chatted and chilled. It was lovely. There were a few mishaps along the way, but everyone got out alive, and (for the most part) unhurt.
The only truly scary moment was poor Renee. She'd been floating along with her boyfriend, Pat, in an innertube. We had four large, bright blue rafts and four black rubber innertubes with us. Somehow, no one can really figure out how, she got run over by two of our rafts! She'd gotten out of the innertube or something and was just floating along in the water. It was super shallow (only around two or so feet deep) and the bottom of the river was quite rocky. Our rafts ran over her, and somehow no one saw her. It was one of those freak accident things. Red eyes, lots of coughing, bruises, and a small fear of the river later, she was okay. We are lifeguards, after all! It was scary, though. We all definitely paid a lot more attention to the whereabouts of our innertubers after that!
After getting back to the campgrounds, we just chilled. It was so nice. Campfire and chairs, games, conversation, food, and music. I think part of how lovely it was was simply the fact that the whole weekend felt so carefree. We all see each other sweaty and gross and chloriney at work anyways, so there was no pressure to look good. Sometimes not wearing makeup or worrying about looks is so freeing and relaxing. Basically, it was just chill. Exciting and fun, but chill too. Even though those things don't really seem to go together, they did, merging together in a perfect mix of a wonderful weekend.

Old Memories and Pretty Paints

Last weekend we visited my great-grandma in Nashville. It was a bit of a melancholy trip. When someone asks "why are you going?" it's weird to reply with, "well...we're going to take one last group photo with my great-grandma because she's really old and may die soon..." Just a wee bit awkward. But okay. So that's officially why we went. It was sad seeing her, she's pretty much just wasting away. For someone late in their 90's, she's in "good health." I guess her only true ailment is simply being old. She's lost weight. Once a jolly, rotund, artistic woman, she's now unable to remember anything within the past ten years or so, and her papery skin literally hangs off her bones. She looks so small and frail and breakable. She sleeps all the time and I'm glad she does, she can't remember anything or take joy in art or talking or anything like she used to. I hope our visit brought her a few minutes of joy, but I think in reality she was just frustrated that we kept her from her nap.

Seeing her that was was sad. When I was younger we used to visit her in Nashville all the time. And we'd visit my grandma (who passed away a few years ago). I always wanted to stay with Memaw (my great-grandma) more because her house was so much more interesting. Plus, she had a massive television, and we never really got to watch TV. At her house, we could, and that was quite the treat. We'd play in the little man-made stream-river-water-in-a-concrete-ditch-thingy and get all dirty and mosquito-bitten. And best of all were the ceramics.

Memaw was an artist. It was more of a hobby for her, but she was still good at it. She did some oil painting (we have one in our family room) and she painted beautiful and intricately detailed ceramics. Painted tan and brown with white trimming, the one-story building in the back of Memaw's house was full of excitement and creativity. It sat there, tantalizing and inviting, full of unpainted ceramics and paints simply begging to be dug from their boxes and used. And best of all, we were allowed to use them. Every time we went to Memaw's we would spend hours unpacking the boxes, looking at the various options simply waiting to be painted. We'd pick a few and then find paints. There were so many colors. Bright turquoises and forest greens, some shiny, others matte. Hundreds of shades of pinks, reds, purples, and blues. The options were endless, sometimes so many that it was almost overwhelming. Often we were instructed to only pick a few colors, otherwise we could never have decided. The beautiful colors would be squirted out into paint trays, beautiful blobs of color, bright and cheery. Our house used to be full of our ceramic creations, though I'm sure many have been stealthily thrown away over the years. Those were some of the best of times.

So Memaw has grown old. She no longer paints or laughs or cracks jokes. But her memories will live on forever, and the wonderful memories of childhood weekends spent in Nashville visiting her will never be forgotten or lost.

Refresh, and Try Again

So clearly, I suck at my "I'm gonna post almost every day" thing. But I thought I'd document a few beautiful or great things that I love or saw or appreciated.

The feeling of the sprinkler splashing down on my head when I come up for a breath while swimming laps. It's cool and refreshing, fun and playful, reminding me of rain on a sweet summer day.

Also clouds. Dark and stormy, piled high in the sky. Like the cloud-maker, which normally just spurts out a few white fluffy piles to dot the sky, got turned on high and started spitting the clouds out, filling the sky so full they tower above you, heavy and dark, coming closer and closer, seeming like they'll fall straight onto your head. And then in the midst of them, or in a few spaces around them, the sunshine comes through. Streams of light, splitting the clouds. They glow around the edges of the light, making the once-intimidating clouds hopeful and enticing.

I like those things.

A Broken Fountain

Water spurts

Gushing forth

Spraying about

Leaping up

A broken fountain

Balls of water

Jumping gaily

Into the air

Sunshine sparkles

Tiny diamonds

Shine through

Like pearls

Decorating

The sky

I could watch

Them fly

Forever

A Cuppa Joe

That's what coffee is sometimes called, right? 

Anyways. 

So I was on my computer this morning, stumbling. Stumbleupon is such a great thing. You find so many cool websites! Every once in awhile, I'll stumble on a religious site. Usually it is affiliated with some area of Christianity. Often times, I automatically jump to the conclusion that it will be a "don't choke on this while I 'lovingly' shove it down your throat" kind of post and often simply hit "stumble" before even reading the article. As I am trying to stop stereotyping everything religious (I've realized that in my attempts to not be the stereotypical Christian, I often become very disliking and judgmental of this "stereotypical" Christian) and give everyone and everything a fair and fighting chance. Also, it was titled "21 Things Jesus Wants Every Sinner to Hear." A lot of times these are more like love letters constructed from Bible passages, and those are just lovely :) So, I read through it. 

Just like the lovely cup of coffee I'm currently drinking, the passages "hit the spot." I've been really out of it and in a weird mood recently. There's confusion with being home and figuring out what and who is defined as "home." It's nice sometimes, but other times it is just chaotic in my mind. And then there are the usual issues with boys, friends, and family that always confused and complicate matters unnecessarily. Nothing out of the ordinary. But recently I've been letting it get to me. I haven't been focusing on Jesus the way I should, and I really haven't been focusing on being like Him, living for Him, loving and serving Him. Those are the things that should take priority in my life, not my silly dramas. 

I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself and allowing my thinking to go into myself. Wondering why I'm not good enough, what I've done wrong, why so many friend leave. Feeling like it isn't fair, wondering what I did to deserve anything bad that has ever come into my life. And mostly, forgetting that 1. My life is pretty damn great, 2. Jesus loves me, 3. I am not the center of the universe, 4. Compared to many, I've barely suffered at all, 5. People mess up, people fail, people leave, that's life, but Jesus never will. And that list could probably go on and on for pages of things I forget, fail to make myself remember, choose to ignore, etc. But that isn't the point. The point is that I've been down, in a bad mood, and yeah, I have some reason. That isn't the problem. The problem is that I have been allowing my circumstances to dictate me. To rule me. That is not the way it works. The world doesn't get to choose who or what I am. I don't either. I am to be living, loving, serving, and all with a joyful spirit, no. matter. what. No questions asked, no arguing, complaining, whining, or turning away. I'm here to love and serve and smile. 

So back to the 21 things. They were good. They were great. They were what I needed to hear. And yeah, they may have possibly made my tear up a little to be reminded of...and here they are:

Here’s what Jesus wants you to know:

1. You are my beloved. (Eph. 5:1)
2. I knew you before you were born. As my hands formed you, I whispered purpose into your bones. I can’t not love you. (Ps. 139:1-6)
3. I love you beyond human reason—even at your very worst, steeped in sin. (Rom. 5:8)
4. My love is contrary to all you know of “love.” I Love you “even though” and “deeper still.” My love reaches, pursues, remains. (Ps. 36:5)
5. My Love for you won’t walk out, fail, or ever come to an end. (Deut. 31:8)
6. No matter what you’ve heard or what you’ve come to believe, there’s nothing that can separate you from my Love. (Rom. 8:38-39)
7. I am not like people. So please—don’t put human words in my mouth or apply human behaviors to my character. You will miss me altogether. (Isaiah 55:8)
8. I’ve never ignored you. I’ve been here all along. Protecting. Loving. Waiting. (Ps. 56:8)
9. Your love of _____ (sin) isn’t worth eternity. I will break your chains. I will give you the desires of your heart. (Jn. 8:32, Ps. 37:4)
10. Please forgive some of my followers. People—even Christian people—will fail you. You live in a fallen land, where no one is perfect and all need My grace. Put your faith and trust in Me alone. (Psalm 146:3)
11. There’s no sin I will not forgive. You are the “whosoever believes in me” whom I will give eternal life . . . if you believe. (John 3:16)
12. As resourceful and brilliant as you are, you cannot save yourself. It’s by God’s grace and faith in Me alone that you are saved. (Eph 2:8-9)
13. I understand your pain and heartbreak. And my heart breaks with you. (Is. 53:3)
14. There’s nowhere you can go where my Love won’t find you. (Psalm 139:7-8)
15. The shame and guilt weighs you down has been taken care of on the cross. Your bill has been zeroed out. (John 3:16)
16. The addictions. The pride. The selfishness. The hate. The lust. The jealousy. The critical spirit. The greed. I can heal it. All of it. You can start fresh. Today. (Rom. 8:1-4)
17. I will forgive you. But only if you ask. And I care more about the “ask” than I do about the sin. (Acts 3:19)
18. I will not force you to do or be anything. I want a relationship with you more than I want to rule over you. (Jeremiah 31:3)
19. I will forgive your sin and I will forget it. That’s right—completely erase it from my mind. No replays, no record. Gone. (Ps. 103:12)
20. It’s never too late to turn your life around. I came to give second chances. (Luke 23:42-43)
21. I love you. Let’s talk. (Jer. 29:13)

SO much love. So much love. So. Much. Love. It's unbelievable sometimes. I can't understand it, can't grasp it, can't. But it is wonderful. It is amazing. It makes me want to sing. I've been sitting here all week, worrying and thinking about myself. I haven't been living the way Jesus wants me to, but He's still got me. It's all so beautiful. That He loves me. That He made me. That He formed and created me just as He wants me to be. Yeah, I have so many faults. There are so many parts of my personality and looks that I hate, wish were different, feel like a failure because of, and constantly find myself comparing to others and falling short. But that isn't the point. Those are things I need to stop caring about. I am who I am for a reason. I am where I am in life for a reason. I've been through the things I've been through for a reason. And Jesus planned it all out. And it's really cool, because I know what He's called me to. I mean I've felt called to adopt kids since I was like 8. That's what, 10 years of my life that I've known what I was to do? And now I feel called to work on ending modern day slavery. And I'm an artist. And I love that too. When I was cleaning out my closet earlier this week I kept finding random Bible verses I'd written down about adoption or caring for the less fortunate, serving, etc. Things that I feel so called to now, I was focusing on even when I was little. God has a plan for my life. I just need to trust Him to take care of it all, stop worrying about small unimportant details that He figured out eons ago, and just live life. 

Back to the 21 things...

I loved the parts about God always being there, loving, watching, waiting, protecting, etc. It's so great to think of Him like that. To realize that He's always there, always around, always with me. That I'm never alone. That He'll always be there when I turn around, tears filling my eyes, in deep need of someone to just hold me. Or when I'm filled with joy and need to tell someone about it and have someone celebrate with me. Or when I'm frightened and need to hide my eyes and have someone take away the scary monsters in my closet (sometimes I'm really very sure they're there). 

And that yeah, people fail. We're human. We suck. I suck, I fully acknowledge this fact. I am judgmental, angry, hateful, selfish, gossipy, not loving enough, focused on me and my problems, the list could literally fill books. Everyone's lists of sins could. The beauty is that as much as we fail, suck, and are never faithful enough, Jesus always is. No matter how many times people hurt me, leave me, or fail me, Jesus never will. That's amazing. That's beautiful beyond expression. That makes my heart full, it makes me want to sing from the rooftops to tell the world that I am loved. I am wanted. And even though we suck, even though I suck, the other absolutely wonderful and amazing thing is that no matter how many times I mess up, Jesus will always take me back. Infact, He's not even "taking me back," because He never left. Maybe I did. But He didn't. And He never leaves me alone, even when I turn around, yell loudly that I matter more, and run away from Him. Very quickly, I trip and fall in the mess of my own pride and selfishness and He's already there to pick me back up, put a band-aid on my knee, and tell me that even though I messed up for the 87,582,345,897,130,457,234,098,571,340th time...He's still picking me up. And He'll keep on helping me up until the day I die. That's beautiful. That's wonderful. That's love.