I'm writing an essay on Skecher Shape-up shoes. Worst thing ever, I assure you. Needless to say, I didn't pick the assignment myself! When I said "shoes" I was hoping for something cool...like TOMS or Converse. It's a little hard to write it, I'm not really sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and writers' block is battering itself into my head repeatedly. Maybe once brain damage occurs I'll actually be able to complete the assignment. We shall see, we shall see...
I took a much-needed break about an hour ago. Venturing into the cold, I dashed over to the law school to grab something to eat from their c-store. They had hummus and veggies! Made my day much, much better. I was expecting my usual fruit or salad, which I like, don't get me wrong, but hummus is just lovely! Add in some nice green tea and the meal is perfect :)
It's snowing outside. The snowflakes are all perfect and soft, drifting down in these flawlessly beautiful drops of white moisture. This is the kind of snow I love. It's not too cold outside, and compared to the recent -11 degree weather, 35 degrees feels downright warm! The wind here can be intense, but right now it's barely present...a mere breeze. The ground is white and the snow just wafts down, sticking to hair and eyelashes, brushing against face and hands, and spotting black jackets like little specks of paint flicked onto a canvass. It's lovely, peaceful, and absolutely wonderful. After a few minutes it gets cold and I want to go inside, but for those first few minutes it really does seem magical.
As I was walking along the red brick path, the white snow starkly contrasted against my black moccasin boots, I realized how happy I felt. Not like scream my joy at the top of my lungs ecstatic, but happy. Maybe content would be a better word. I felt at peace with God and the world. But this realization also reminded me of all the things I need to work on. I need shape up shoes for my soul. I feel so much better with God. Like He's getting me back on track, dragging me in and reminding me of what is important. It's so, so hard though! There are so many thousands of moments when I fail and give into my sinful desires and just want to be a bitchy individual. Mostly I can just complain a lot, or be angry, or mean, or resentful, or bitch about people I'm upset with. It's something I'm praying for healing with. Part of the problem, I've come to realize, is that on the one hand, I want to change...but on the other hand, I kinda don't want to. The really bad part of me just wants to keep on sinning, and then pray for forgiveness and change, but not really change. Maybe outwardly, but not on the inside. It can't just be about the outward appearance. I could put all my effort into looking like a perfect, godly, loving, kind person...but if my heart isn't in it, I won't be legitimately making a difference in the world. If my goal is to love and serve people with all I have, then my all has to be in it. I've got to keep handing everything to God, even the dark corners of my heart where I store my sin and the shallow pleasure I gain from it. I have to change, really truly change, not just add another layer of paint and hope it covers up the damage for now. Walls have to be torn down and rebuilt, my house cannot stand on the unsteady foundations of bitterness and resentment and anger. Mostly, I need to work on forgiveness. Real, true forgiveness. I store things people have done to hurt me up in a jar labeled "Pain" in my heart. I open it up, dig through it, remind myself of the past, and stay hurt. The solution is to take that jar in my hands, hold it out to God, and ask Him to take it. I keep hiding it away, forgetting about it until a new hurt comes along that reminds me of all those pains. It is time to give it up, forgive. Not necessarily forget, because we learn from the past, but move on. You can never get anywhere in the future if you dwell constantly in the past. And I have to be stronger. I can't let people just hurt me, I have to remember that there's someone else in control, that someone else is watching out for me. Sometimes, you gotta just let things go, let em hit you in the gut and then fall away. There's a bruise, but nothing more. Sometimes there are gashes and tears that result in scars. But a scar means you're healed...it just serves as a reminder. So I'm trying. I'm trying to give it all up, hand over my jar of pain, my heart, and my life. And with God's help, I can grow and change, love and serve, and eventually (hopefully) shape up and have a beautiful heart.
